NEW YORK: The United Nations has trialled a new rating system for speeches by world leaders delivered at its general assembly.
A UN spokesperson said the first use of the ratings had been applied to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s address overnight. (main picture)
“We think it was a success because the rating we applied – PG for pro-genocide – allowed those audience members likely to be offended by its content to leave the chamber before the PM started speaking.
“It’s unfortunate that the new system was not up and running time for US President Donald Trump’s address otherwise we would have applied an MA rating – malignant arsehole,” the spokesperson said.
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WASHINGTON DC: Chinese officials have explained President Xi Jinping’s apparently indifferent reaction to what was initially believed to be the roar of a US military jet flying overhead at a ceremony marking his arrival in the nation’s capital.
President Xi was noticeably relaxed while US President Donald Trump grimaced in obvious pain at the noise that was initially attributed to the US Air Force jet. (below)
“The aircraft was actually a US Air Force stealth fighter that hardly made any sound at all,” said a Chinese government translator present on the tarmac at the time.
“The noise everyone heard was President Trump breaking wind and filling his diaper – a Chinese-made diaper I might add proudly – and his expression reflected the strain he experienced when passing wind as he is known to do often and in great volumes with regular follow-through.”
The translator said President Xi had not reacted because he had met President Trump previously so was accustomed to the US leader’s “decrepit, dementia-riddled personal behaviour”.
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BRISBANE: The Brisbane Bolts’ star left-field back half-forward slerter, Warren “Morning” Wood, has been cleared to play in the JDG grand final after the remnants of the code’s national judiciary committee overturned a striking charge against him.
At a training session this morning, Wood said the remaining members of the judiciary committee had made the right decision about the weekend striking incident that took the life of Hawthorn Haemorrhoids player, Ivor “Big Old Tool” O’Toole.
He also revealed the complex legal argument he used when fronting the committee last night.
“I told them: Yeah, sure, I done it,” he admitted. “I hit Toolie and killed him, but it’s the grand final and I’m a two-time Browneye Medal winner so fuck it. I know where your kids go to school.”
Wood added that he wished to pass on his condolences to the families of those JDG judiciary committee members who had perished in the past 24 hours in a series of apparently unrelated hit-and-run incidents.
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WASHINGTON DC: The United States Supreme Court has issued a ruling overturning the federal US District Court order that struck down President Donald Trump’s ban on three major media organisations.
Supreme Court Chief Justice, John Roberts, (far right and centre in front row below) said six of the nine justices on the court including himself had decided to overturn the lower court’s ruling and reinstate the President’s decision to ban CNN, MS NOW, and Politico from the White House media pool.
When reporters covering the Supreme Court pointed out to Mr Roberts that nobody, including the President, had yet appealed the District Court judge’s ruling to the Supreme Court, the Chief Justice said: “Oooops! Force of habit.”
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