If you’re reading this, it’s fairly obvious you’ve made it safely through winter, right? Well, that’s probably a given for Queenslanders who have refused to step outside these past three months, regardless of how many gas heaters restaurants set up. But now that it’s quickly warming up, all of you need to follow the infallible advice of the world’s greatest soothsayer ever if you want to still be with us when summer finally arrives.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You can’t believe your good fortune when, caught right in the middle of a 12-vehicle pileup on a divided road, more than $!5,000 worth of improvements are made to the front and the rear of your Kia Tasman.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Nurses at your local hospital say you are recovering well from shock after being able to find a Bunnings staffer who could help you find the Chinese-made shit you needed.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You pick up a loaf of sourdough bread at Coles and wonder, when you get home and start using it, how much the supermarket saves by deliberately baking large holes in just about every slice.  

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Ditto for their new range of the those convenient 10-slice packets of cheese, including Swiss-style cheddar, Swiss-style edam, Swiss-style camembert, Swiss-style havarti, Swiss-style gouda and double-Swiss-style Swiss.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You really do find it hard to believe that any person who’s happy to spend time on a beach buried up to their neck would have the smarts to wrangle a cheap motel room by using Trivago.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a dark and deserted alleyway late at night and armed only with a 3kg Stuart and Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the person who designed those pump-spray plastic bottles for kitchen, bathroom, or window cleaning fluids or weedkillers all of which invariably stop spraying their contents when just under half-full if you tilt them even just a minute fraction off 90 degrees upright.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Coming to in your local hospital bed, you get chatting to the other three patients in a shared public ward to discover that two of them are just like you; recovering from shock after picking a trolley at their local Coles or Woolworths supermarket when the wheels worked well and the cart was easy to push forward in a straight line.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

The woman in the fourth bed was also being treated for shock but in her case she had been in the fruit and vegetable section at Coles and managed to open one of their plastic bags straight away.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

A day plagued with bad luck just gets worse when you rush to your local ALDI store only to discover its middle bargain bins have run out of the genuine Chinese-made WorldWar 2 Spitfire engine you so desperately needed.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

As a regular viewer of ABC TV’s flagship 7pm TV news you wonder why you might need an early check of the weather in every bulletin instead of having to wait a whole 10-15 minutes to hear most of it all over again.
 

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Your very angry fellow star signs ask why the hell you killed beloved, kind, and talented Dolly Parton at 80 but for some unfathomable reason you continue to leave untouched another prominent 80-year-old American who also sports yuge, carefully constructed, fake hair and pancake make-up but is totally devoid of any redeeming features whatsoever.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a poorly lit alleyway late at night armed with a 3.4kg Duncan and Fernley cricket bat, you encounter coming towards you the advertising creative director who thought that series of Youi ads was actually quite funny.

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