LONDON: Embattled British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer’s chances of surviving in the role after disastrous results for Labour in local elections across the UK have improved slightly after an emotional address at a party function here overnight.

Sir Keir was met with warm applause when he declared, between shuddering sobs, that it was not his fault that during his difficult birth, he had required a complete charisma bypass.

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WASHINGTON, DC: On his way home aboard Air Force One after talks with Xi Jinping, US President Donald Trump attacked media who suggested he might have said something in the face-to-face meeting with the Chinese leader that undermined America’s – and much of the western world’s – long-standing reliance on the diplomatic phrase, strategic ambiguity, to explain their collective stance on the future of Taiwan.

“No-one in the world knows more than I do about strategic ambiguity,” President Trump railed. “But I’ve only ever called it telling porkies!”

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VIENNA, Austria: On-line bookies here have defended their decisions to offer odds of between 200-to-one and 750-to-one on the chances of Australia’s Delta Goodrem winning Eurovision this weekend despite being widely described as second-favourite for the title.

“Our money’s safe as houses,” a spokesperson for Ladbrokes explained.

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