As we lurch – did someone just say Barnaby Joyce? – into the last month of autumn, let’s all stay safe and sound by religiously following the wise advice of The Bug’s world famous soothandsosayologist Kisma Aryias. No-one has ever died under his watch if they do that. No-one! Not ever!

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

An early morning walk could have started disastrously because the moment you popped out of your front gate you almost stepped into a pile of aukus.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 2

Your boss refuses point-blank to reverse his decision to summarily fire you in front of all your office colleagues even though you swear you thought he said you should make full use of the shit-stand desk he had installed just for you.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You hear that one of your more aggressive medical namesakes is planning to style themselves as “trump” because their current appellation no longer sounds malignant enough.  

LEO – July 23 – August 22

As a resident in the electorate of New England you wondered why local member Barnaby Joyce turned up really, really, early, for this year’s Anzac Day dawn service in Tamworth – some rumours suggest he even slept by the cenotaph – and all because the former Nats’ leader had heard there could be boos at it.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You read that Barnaby was one of the first to thank Gina Rinehart for gifting a new private plane to his One Nation leader Pauline Hanson, saying he’s now inspired to qualify as a pilot so he can still travel when he’s way too pissed to drive.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

And you also hear that Barnaby Joyce did in fact hang around after this year’s Dawn Service but only after he heard of the traditional rumfire breakfast.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

But that he walked out bitterly disappointed after he sipped his first cup of coffee, spat it out and shouted: “I ordered a triple, for fuck’s sake.”

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You hear that Barnaby Joyce is the only person inside Pauline Hanson’s inner sanctum who thinks her new plane doesn’t look large enough to hold a reasonably sized bar fridge.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

And fair enough, too, because this is a big, brown, land of ours and flights can take five, ten minutes, even longer sometimes.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You hear on the news that supermarkets around Australia have withdrawn from their shelves tins of a new variety of beetroot called Joyce because eating too many slices can get consumers pissed.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You lie awake all night starring at the ceiling and unable to achieve even fitful sleep as you ponder the real possibility that if Barnaby Joyce recontests and wins New England in 2028 and polls continue to show the rise of Pauline Hanson, he could very well be our next prime minister.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You are disappointed to find that your starsign has not been used, as many above have been, to take the piss out of Barnaby Joyce. For example, this one would have been okay…

You hear on the grapevine that Barnaby Joyce hurt Gina Rinehart’s feeling when he asked her if One Nation’s new plane would have any spare seats if she was on board.

And in the absence of a joke like that, all you can do is console yourself with your favourite vision of Australia’s best -ever retail politician.

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