SEAT 1A: The Dalai Lama has given a candid interview in the wake of his win in the Grammy Awards for the best audiobook.

The 90-year-old Buddhist spiritual leader won a coveted Grammy statuette in the narration and storytelling category for his spoken word album, Meditations: The Reflections of His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

In an interview conducted by The Bug in the first-class cabin of an international flight somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean, His Hollowness – as he asked to be called – said he was humbled yet excited by having his musical talents finally recognised after being largely ignored by the mainstream media.

During the interview he appeared to be somewhat “tired and emotional” after repeatedly pressing the overhead call button to have cabin staff refresh his drink which he claimed was “a simple vegetarian juice made from fermented grain” but which smelled suspiciously like Scotch whisky.

“I make lots of albums every year and also do a bit of DJ-ing on the side, (main image) when I’m not sitting in one of these [aircraft] heading to my next gig to parrot the endless list of empty obviousisms that people for some reason take as deep and meaningful,” he slurred.

“I mean, all I really do is get up on stage, sit down cross-legged on a fucking uncomfortable cushion, and tell everyone we need to love each other and live in peace.

“For fuck’s sake, who in their right mind would buy that shit? I mean I’ve been doing this shtick since I was 15 and the world’s still rooted.

“I mean, I should go to Gaza and rattle off those lines – let’s love one another and live in peace. How long do you think I’d survive?

“I reckon that genocidal blood-soaked arsehole Netanyahu would have an IDF missile up my holy arse, or my arseyhole, in seconds,” he said before breaking into one of his lengthy trademark giggles.

“Maybe I should tell Vladimir Putin we need to love one another and live in peace. How long before I’d be in a Siberian gulag getting rogered by a big guy in a bear-fur overcoat called Dmitry Dildo?

“Nah, all my travelling and preaching about love and peace and kindness is just a load of hippie shit,” he said while spilling his drink on his saffron robe.

“I’ve always wanted to be  a muso and finally I get a Grammy to recognise my talents, albeit for a shit album.

“I hope I’ll do better at the 2027 Grammys, especially since I’ve got plans to do an album with Bad Bunny called Fuck Trump and ICE.

“Speaking of ice…” he said while awkwardly reaching for the overhead call button but failing to reach it and slumping fast asleep and snoring in his first-class pod.

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