With wars raging in various hotspots around the globe – despite Donald Trump’s self-declared Nobel Prize-worthy ability to settle one in just a day – our resident soothsayer has detected a widespread relapse of the shock and awe we experienced some years back when another incompetent US President resided in what is now the Whitesupremacist House.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You are shocked but not surprised when the question of the federal Liberal Party leadership is resolved after former PM Scott Morrison (main picture) reveals he had secretly appointed himself leader for life while still in office.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You stand in awe at the faith so many people still invest in a supposed omnipotent and all-seeing God who daily and sometimes hourly allows innocent people to die horribly in places like Gaza, Bondi Beach or Ukraine yet keeps others like Donald Trump, most of his family, and almost all members of his government, and selfish, racist, corrupt MAGA supporters and enablers even more horribly alive.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are shocked but not surprised when you discover that some people read these stars and actually think they offer any help at all as their journey through 2026 begins.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You stand in awe at the very thought that Donald Trump still thinks he deserves a dozen Nobel peace prizes despite threatening to bomb the shit out of Venezuela for weeks, new threats to bomb the shit out of Iran and wholesome praise for Russian president Vladimir Putin as he endeavours to secure Ukraine’s future.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You are shocked but not surprised to read that former prince, now plain Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, applies to change his name by deed poll to something that he is sure will attract far less public and media attention and settles on the very ordinary sounding “Mr Russell Brand”.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You stand in awe of the very thought that the world’s greatest ever soothsayer, The Bug‘s internationally renowned Kisma Aryias has completed yet another year of flawless, 100 per cent accurate, predictions that have kept everyone reading this column safe.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You are shocked but not surprised to learn that the far-right wing News Crap Australia’s far-right wing broadshit, The Australian, and all of its far-right wing metro turdbloids run far right-wing editorials urging new far right-wing laws to automatically declare as antisemitic anyone who doesn’t advocate a royal commission into the Bondi Beach killings.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You stand in awe at the prospect that because of the general “stand in awe” and “shocked but not surprised” theme we’ve adopted for this first star signs of 2026, we won’t be having our regular star about someone walking down a deserted alley late at night armed only with the 3.5kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat and who comes across someone they really hate, like that very old retired pharmacist who sold that dodgy condom to Barnaby Joyce’s father nine months before the Beetrooter was born.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You are shocked but not surprised to hear that the Liberal Party of Australia still intends in 2026 and beyond to wheel out unhanged war criminal John Howard to bolster their federal and state election prospects.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You stand in awe at the self-control of Volodymyr Zelenskyy for recently enduring yet another personal meeting and news conference with President Donald Trump when you just know that the wartime Ukrainian President must grit his teeth listening to the stream of puerile narcissistic shit dribbling from the mouth of the bright orange demented baboon and silently entertain the idea of punching out the bloated, Putin-appeasing, cowardly, fake bone-spurred oxygen thief.  

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You are shocked but not surprised to realise that by the time the bloated bright orange demented baboon and Putin-appeasing, cowardly, fake bone-spurred oxygen thief mentioned above should finally face jail for his many crimes, he’ll probably avoid that much-deserved incarceration after being found by experts sourced from his defence team to have been non compos mentis since birth.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You stand in awe at the very fact that despite the stream of puerile narcissistic shit dribbling for many years now from the mouth of the bright orange demented baboon mentioned above, he’s still much admired by his MAGA fan base, and especially Christian nutters.

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