THE LAW:

BRISBANE: The Grim Reaper has been directed to do all in his ethereal power in the remaining hours of 2025 to meet his professional obligations to publishers of The Bug under an order made by the Federal Court in Brisbane.

In an emergency hearing in what is usually the court’s Christmas-New Year recess period, Justice Barry Sturr agreed with The Bug‘s lead counsel, Hardie Colin KC, that as of one year ago there existed an implied contract between Mr Reaper (pictured above outside court) and Australia’s favourite yet inexplicably least popular and least profitable news website.

Mr Hardie told the court that a story published by The Bug on 31 December 2024 (below) canvassed global identities who had tragically failed to die in the previous 12 months.

“Usually at the end of a year most media outlets publish lists mourning the loss of significant, very talented, or beloved individuals who have made a positive contribution to our world but who have sadly passed away during the previous 12 months,” Mr Colin (in file photo below) explained.  

“But in The Bug‘s case, its story a year ago listed those who would make the world a much better place by leaving it as soon as possible.

“This, in line with The Bug‘s strict editorial policies, was done in exceptionally good taste and with all due respect.

“The publishers did not wish deliberate harm on any of those featured in the story, but they did concede that the earth would be a far better place without them walking it.”

Mr Hardie submitted that as a result of the story’s publication an implied contract existed under federal communications law between The Bug and the Grim Reaper.

“This unwritten – yet, I submit, legally enforceable – contract obliged Mr Reaper to exercise his unique talents to ensure any or all of the individuals named in The Bug‘s story, shall we say, did not see much of 2025 let alone 2026.”

Mr Hardie said the Grim Reaper had failed to meet his contractual obligations and sought a court order directing him to do so.

The Grim Reaper then began to conduct his own defence but was swiftly shut down by Justice Sturr.

“I don’t think the court needs to hear from you, buddy,” Justice Sturr (below) said sharply. “I think we know what you’re going to say.

“Besides, I really have to get back to Noosa. I’m supposed to be on holiday, you know.”

Justice Sturr then made an order directing the Grim Reaper to do all he could before midnight tonight to fulfill his part of the contract.

After clarifying a relevant issue raised by Mr Reaper regarding daylight saving time, Justice Sturr adjourned proceedings.

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