CELESTIAL MATTERS:

HEAVEN: God has announced an extraordinary and historic deal with the Devil that will see the relocation of former US President, the late Richard Nixon, from Hell to Heaven more than 30 years after his death.

At a news conference at the Pearly Gates, the Almighty Being (below) said she had entered the deal with her sworn enemy, Satan, that would see Mr Nixon leave the Netherworld (main picture) and enter Heaven as soon as possible.

“Even though I am omnipotent, all-seeing, and infallible, I freely admit that when Mr Beelzebub reached out to me through an intermediary I was very surprised and there were many doubts in my mind about doing this deal,” she said.

“But I was ultimately convinced to agree to the terms being offered and the arguments being put forward on the Dark Lord’s behalf by his chosen negotiator.

“They included the fact that Hell is facing a drastic and ever-growing shortage of space with projections showing a real and urgent need to free up accommodation.

“As the Devil’s agent told me, those projections are based on the imminent need to accommodate numerous and ageing members of the Trump administration, from the 80-year-old demented, cankle-riddled, junk-food gobbling, morbidly obese Commander in Chief down.

“Shifting Richard Nixon out of Hell and finding him a place in Heaven is the first step in freeing up room in Hades for Trump and his acolytes until the end of time itself.

“When that line argument was raised I had trouble disagreeing because, let’s face it, Nixon is an angel compared with Trump.

“So he will be arriving here soon, and others in the discredited Nixon administration will follow in due course,” God said.

The Almighty was at pains to point out that former US Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger, (below) would not be making the move and would remain in Hell.

“I’ve got to draw the line somewhere,” she explained.

Speaking exclusively to his preferred media outlets, the US Fox Network and Sky News Australia, Satan (below) said he had been trying to strike a deal to shift Mr Nixon ever since the end of the first Trump administration.

“But when Trump was returned to the White House I knew I had to act urgently to make room here for future eternal residents,” the Devil said.

“Ever since then I have tried to reach out to God to do a deal with no luck. It wasn’t until the recent arrival here of former Australian senator Graham Richardson that I had an intermediary who would even entertain such a sleazy deal and make it work,” he said.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com