MIRACLES:

Prayers from the parents of a nearly drowned US toddler seeking the intercession of the late Cardinal George Pell reportedly resulted in a “miracle” that saw the 15-month-old boy recover fully despite having stopped breathing for almost an hour after falling into a hot tub at his Arizona home. The Bug has obtained exclusive access to the text of a conversation at the height of the drama last month between Pell (far right at left in main picture) and God Almighty (at right in main picture)

God: Yes. Hello?

Pell: Hello. God? It’s George.

God: Who?

Pell: It’s George. George Pell. You know, from Australia.

God: Oh shit. You? What do you want?

Pell: Sorry to bother you but I need help.

God: You sure do. I told you for years you needed help man. Your disgusting unnatural urges should have been….

Pell: No, no. Hang on. Hear me out.

God: Okay. Go ahead. But be quick.

Pell: It’s about a young boy…..

God: Oh for fu… Not again?

Pell: No, no. It’s nothing like that this time. It’s a little boy in Arizona who’s fighting for his life after…

God: Yeah, yeah… after falling into a hot tub.

Pell: You know all about it. But how..?

God: Really? You need to ask that?

Pell: Of course not. No. What was I thinking?

God: Well what do you want me to do about it?

Pell: I’ve been contacted by a colleague and he’s asked if I might intervene and save the boy’s life.

God: What the fuck could you do?

Pell: What I’m doing now – contacting you to seek your help for the boy.

God: Me? What the fuck can I do that isn’t being done already. You know that right now there’s a team of highly experience and highly qualified medicos from the paediatric intensive care unit working non-stop to revive the boy at the Banner Thunderbird Hospital in Phoenix.

Pell: But how did you…? Of course. I keep forgetting.

God: Dr Rahul Chawla is leading his expert team as we speak. They’re making superhuman efforts to bring all their medical skills and the hospital’s lifesaving technology to bring the young lad back from the brink. I have every faith in them. What the fuck can I do that beats what they’re doing right now?

Pell: Well, I thought you might… umm….

God: Might what? I’ve got no medical skills. I didn’t even go to school. Let alone medical school. There were no schools when I was a girl. At least not for the first few thousand millennia. Or do you want me to give some cheap fucking sideshow alley snake oil hocus pocus sign to the parents that you’ve saved their boy? Fuck off.

Pell: Maybe just a little sign?

God: Why would I do that for a questionable lard arse like you?

Pell: Well it would help rehabilitate my public image. I’ve been dead now for a couple of years and I’m naturally keen to change the public’s view of me. Maybe even become a saint. You reckon that’s possible?

God: How would I know. I’ve had nothing to do with making saints. I don’t know the process. It’s not my process. You lot invented it. In the 5^th century if my memory serves me well. Just seems like yesterday.

Pell: I’m sorry you feel that way. I could do with a leg-up. I’m really feeling the heat.

God: To help this boy?

Pell: No, I mean I’m feeling the heat down here where I went after dying.

God: I understand. But that’s where you belong. I’m not having you up here I can tell that for free.

Pell: Very disappointing I must say. Still I can always rely on being given glowing and unquestioned treatment in the only holy text that matters.

God: The Bible?

Pell: No, The Australian.

God: Goodbye George. Don’t call again. For eternity.

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