News from the Adelaide Hills filtering through to eastern capitals has revealed the tragic news that Lord Downer is abed with perhaps his severest case yet of the vapours. (main picture)

Reports from those keeping vigil at the gates of the Downer family seat Pout House say His Lordship fainted dead away yesterday after hearing news from Canberra that a new Governor-General had been announced.

Eyewitnesses among Pout House lower servants said Lord Downer had risen before dawn on Wednesday and directed that a sedan chair be drawn up to the front of Pout House to speed him into Adelaide City where he intended to buy a new outfit in anticipation, he explained, of “a very extraordinary, yet well-deserved and overdue reward”.

Once in the city His Lordship made directly for several of his favourite gentlemen’s outfitters where he purchased a new silk shirt, a toilinet waistcoat, superfine tailcoat, kerseymere pantaloons, and a pair of black leather gold-tasselled Hessians.

His Lordship also bought a new peruke and several boxes of lavender powder before lunching at his club.  

The four under-housemen carrying his sedan chair – performing the duty wearing nought but exotic oils personally applied by Lord Downer to guard against wind resistance, as is traditional – reported His Lordship to be in high spirts on the return journey to Pout House with several saying they had heard him sing gaily for the entirety of both the forward and return journeys.

However, His Lordship’s mood changed suddenly on arrival back at the front entrance to Pout House where he was met with news that Prime Minister Anthony Albanese had revealed businesswoman Ms Sam Mostyn as the nation’s next Governor-General.

Household staff reported His Lordship swooning uncontrollably in several directions in the porte cochere to fall sequentially into the arms of all four naked bearers of his sedan chair before letting forth repeated wails of “Why not me?” which did not cease until he was ensconced in his upstairs bed chamber.

Lord Downer’s personal physician Dr Pratt (below) is reportedly keeping full-time watch on his patient and has been treating him with a nervous tincture of his own making, mercurial ointments, and strawberry suppositories.

“I actually did not prescribe the suppositories myself, but His Lordship has insisted that they be administered at least hourly, sometimes more, and has foreshadowed upping the dose to cantaloupes if necessary,” Dr Pratt revealed.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com