FOURTH ESTATE PAYBACK!

The childish, petulant and sooky display by England Test cricketer Stuart Broad in the wake of the fair and legitimate Jonny Bairstow stumping at Lord’s will not go unpunished.

That is the solemn promise by Chris Jones, editor of The Courier-Mail in Brisbane, who has directed his staff never to refer to the veteran player by name for the rest of the Ashes series.

In the paper’s coverage today of tonight’s opening day of the third Ashes Test at Headingley in Leeds, the 164-Test veteran has been repeatedly described only as “the unnamed, childish and petulant England medium pacer way past his prime and most likely playing his last Test”.

Jones (pictured) told The Bug this morning he and his sports writers came up with the name-banning tactic after watching the way “the unnamed, childish and petulant medium pacer way past his prime and most likely playing his last Test” carried on while batting on the fifth day at the home of cricket.

“Bairstow was fairly stumped after he foolishly wandered out of his crease while the ball was still live,” Jones said.

“But what did the unnamed, childish and petulant England medium pacer way past his prime and most likely playing his last Test do from the moment he walked out? After each delivery he faced, he made a big theatrical deal of planting his bat back behind the crease and seeking the Australian players’ permission to move forward.

“He thought he was making a point but all he did was come across as a childish sook who refused to believe the third umpire had made the right decision in the Bairstow dismissal.

“And he carried on with this pathetic pantomine for the rest of his stay at the wicket, despite play having clearly ended and the ball deemed dead after each delivery had been dealt with.

“How the Australians sent Bairstow packing was perfectly within the rules of the game and the only player on that sacred ground not adhering to that basic tenet of the game – what the entire sportmanship of cricket is fundamentally about, really, namely play hard, play within the rules and always accept the umpire’s decision – was that unnamed, childish and petulant England medium pacer way past his prime and most likely playing his last Test.

“We’ve never tried anything like this before. Let’s just hope it doesn’t make that unnamed, childish and petulant England medium pacer way past his prime and most likely playing his last Test so pissed off and angry he turns in a player-of-the-match performance and keeps the series alive.”