WORLD EXCLUSIVE!

Former Morrison Government Minister Linda Reynolds has sensationally admitted she was the person who authorised the steam-cleaning of a couch in her Parliament House office, hoping the shock revelation will put to rest once and for all “this ongoing nonsense that it had anything to do with an alleged sexual assault there”.

The former Defence Minister made the startling admission in a lengthy sitdown interview with The Bug and to her credit, despite at times hostile questioning, Ms Reynolds not once said she wasn’t feeling well and would have to terminate the interview and take herself off to hospital where she could hide from scrutiny for a while.

The Bug proudly presents the full transcript of that interview we sought after her own indepth chat with The Weekend Australian (below) last Saturday raised more questions than it answered.

The Bug: Firstly, can you clarify for us the importance of the fact that Brittany Higgins was seen wearing a Carla Zampatti jacket when she left Parliament House on that morning back in March 2019.

Reynolds: Sure. It’s a proven fact that no man has ever made sexual advances, let alone unleashed a criminal assault, on a woman who wears Carla Zampatti.

The Bug: They’d know they’d be wasting their time because women who wear Carla Zampatti are classy ladies with strong moral ethics? Or at the very least, they don’t drop their drawers for just anyone?

Reynolds: Exactly. A Carla Zampatti jacket defines the gaping divide between a woman of class and one who’s counting ceiling tiles after a glass-and-a-half of bubbly.

The Bug: Is this some sort of well-known principle, a bit like why private school girls never suck and swallow?

Reynolds: My goodness me….

The Bug: Exactly. Has any man ever made unwanted sexual advances to you?

Reynolds: Most certainly not!

The Bug: And how many Carla Zampatti outfits do you own?

Reynolds: Four.

The Bug: Jackets?

Reynolds: Seven, then, all up.

The Bug: You told The Weekend Australian you were a shattered woman – broken in fact – after the Labor Party tried its best to paint you as someone who deliberately covered up a sex crime on the eve of that 2019 federal poll and that you put your government’s election prospects ahead of a staff member who desperately needed her superiors’ support over her claims of being raped?

Reynolds: That lying c…

The Bug: Careful. You were in no fit state to defend Brittany Higgins’ defamation claim against you?

Reynolds: That was true. I wanted to because, really, it was fairly clear that my ‘lying cow’ comment wasn’t really aimed at her.

The Bug: Boy. You really were in a discombobulated state, weren’t you? But what happened next?

Reynolds: Right. Well, as we all know that lying c….

The Bug: Ms Higgins?

Reynolds: Yes, of course. We all know that Ms Higgins took some days to come out with her silly assault claims. The moment she did, I immediately counselled her to go straight to the Perth.

The Bug: The police?

Reynolds: Isn’t that what I just said?

The Bug: Can we get down here to the nitty-gritty of this whole affair? You have never, ever, believed that lying c….

Reynolds: Careful.

The Bug: Right. You’ve never believed Ms Higgins and Bruce Lehrmann even had sex in your office that night?

Reynolds: That’s right. Bruce is a fine young man. He’s a Liberal so lying would be total anathema to him. He said nothing happened as he had a girlfriend and he thoroughly deserved the solid references we wrote for him when he voluntarily moved on to other duties. He’s a very good political operator and he’s got a big future. He’ll be a real asset as a Liberal parliamentarian one day.

The Bug: Is there a Carla Zampatti jacket for men?

Reynolds: Umm… I’m not sure about that…

The Bug: But please, please! You must share with us why you’re so adamant nothing criminal took place that night? Not even sex despite a drunk, naked, woman being found there the next morning.

Reynolds: Apart from the fact that Bruce was totally exonerated at that trial?

The Bug: Debatable …. but apart from that… yes?

Reynolds: Well, I am here to clean up that couch-cleaning controversy once and for all!

The Bug: Clean up! Very good. We’re all ears!

Reynolds: I ordered the steam-cleaning of that couch ahead of time! It was me and I’m proud I did it!

The Bug: The one that the Department of Finance, which is the administrator for ministers’ offices, has admitted it arranged “for an additional clean” after being advised by DPS “staff had accessed Minister Reynolds’ office after hours”.

Reynolds: That’s right. But clearly someone else had been in my office that night!

The Bug: Do tell.

Reynolds: When I came in that morning, I noticed that someone had emptied a full jar of Clag glue all over that very couch. I rang Finance immediately and they came and cleaned it up very quickly.

The Bug: Very sensible because you wouldn’t want Clag glue to dry out. It’d be almost impossible to remove.

Reynolds: Exactly why I acted so quickly as a diligent, hardworking minister.

The Bug: So how did you know it was Clag glue?

Reynolds: It certainly smelled and tasted like Clag glue. Any more questions?

The Bug: We’re going to have to terminate this interview now. We’re not feeling too well and we’ll be taking ourselves off to hospital.