ROYAL BIG-NOTING TO END!

Images of Britain’s new monarch King Charles the Third will not be appearing on Australian banknotes and coins, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has declared at an early morning media call outside his Grayndler electorate office in Sydney.

“I was appalled when I read yesterday that plans were already under way at the Royal Australian Mint to design and then circulate new currency with the king’s image on them.

“Can I just say that with the sad passing of Queen Elizabeth the Second, the Elizabethan era has ended and so too has this country’s infatuation with a country’s monarch on the other side of the world who will always put his own people’s interests first,” Mr Albanese declared, punching an open hand with his other fist for emphasis.

“To this end, I have instructed the mint that from this year on, the current Australian of the Year will be the heads side of coinage and plastic notes, kicking off with the truly remarkable and much loved Dylan Alcott. Bugger it, let’s go back a year and honour Grace Tame as well!

“Further more, I’ll be making an executive order that legislation will not be updated to make King Charles the Third King of Australia.

“Gough Whitlam’s decision to make Queen Elizabeth Queen of Australia was one of the very few mistakes that great Australian prime minister made and I won’t be repeating it,” Mr Albanese thundered, to the applause of his Sydney-based ministers who had gotten wind of what their leader was going to say and had rushed to Marrickville to hear it in person.

“That nonsense will lapse!

“Oh, and it’s now just The Australian Mint, not the Royal Australian Mint.”

Mr Albanese added: “Unfortunately, constitutional experts have advised that I can’t prevent King Charles the Third from continuing on as Australia’s head of state but, by jiminy and gee whiskers, let’s put that stupidity behind us by becoming a republic as soon as we bloody well can, eh?”

Those fellow ministers, many who had begun to doubt the true political nature of the new Labor government, had tears in their eyes as they swarmed forward and lifted the Prime Minister onto their shoulders.

“And I’ll be having something to say about those fucking ridiculous stage-three income tax cuts later today,” Mr Albanese turned and shouted as those ministers, now sobbing openly but shouting “hurrah! hurrah! whenever they could momentarily control their emotions, carried him back inside the electoral office, making sure he ducked his head at the entrance.