Blow those winter blues away

With just one more bleak month of winter to go, it’s almost time to step back out and take on the world outside. Unless you’re bedridden and dying of Covid or the flu or both, of course.

But you’ll get no sympathy here. That was your choice as a citizen in a democratic country to decide to live and let die with such infections, a decision now welcomed by shit-scared governments of differing colours at local, state and federal level. Even more shit-scared for those with elections looming.

But if you are capable of stepping out – under your own steam or with walking frame and oxygen tank – and feeling almost human again, who do you trust to keep you safe and sound on those travels? The world’s most accurate soothsayer, of course! Take it away, Kisma Aryias!

LEO – July 23 – August 22

More than two weeks later, your heart is still bursting with pride in your nation’s sporting prowess over the number of world records broken on the final night of Australian Ninja Warrior.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

With Tony Abbott back in the news of late, you realise with a start that you kinda miss that funny thing he use to do with his lips and the way his tongue poked in and out parrot-like whenever he thought he was saying something brilliantly cut-through or exceptionally inventive or witty, which was all of the time.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

Which is all rather sad in a way when you also remember that Tony Abbott also made William McMahon look good.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You decide to end it all, throwing out all your face masks and booking a long sea cruise on the largest, most heavily patronised ocean liner you can find.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You are rushed to hospital by ambulance suffering severe shock after walking down aisle 24 of your local Bunnings and finding, not one but two, brands of plastic watering cans that are both made in Australia.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

But half way to the hospital, you sit bolt upright with the sudden realisation that Australia might very well be the name of a city of 20 million people on the banks of the Yangtze River.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You take a certain pride in not ever having seen a single episode of Neighbours and wouldn’t even have the foggiest idea what fucking TV network it was on.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You become slightly worried about your mental state after watching three episodes of Gruen on ABC TV and deciding that Russel Howcroft almost makes sense.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19.

You quite literally can’t believe your ears when Patricia Karvelas conducts a phone interview for her ABC Radio National Breakfast show and the line doesn’t drop out at any stage.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Alarmed after returning home from empty toilet-roll shelves at your local supermarket, you are somewhat relieved when you remember The Weekend Australian that was accidentally home delivered a little while ago.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You wake up all cheerful and positive and supremely confident about how the day’s going to pan out but then your housemate puts on Leonard Cohen in the background singing Waiting for the Miracle and some of his other “music to slash your wrists by” songs. You go straight back to bed and pull the doona over your face.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You win Lotto and can now almost afford to subscribe to all the TV streaming services now available.