Favourite for UK PM emerges

LONDON: A frontrunner for the job of British prime minister has emerged just hours after Boris Johnson announced he would vacate the post in coming months.

A large rancid coil of human excrement (main picture) is being touted around the corridors of the House of Parliament at Westminster as “a certainty” to succeed Mr Johnson.

Tory MPs have been rushing to brief media outlets about their intention to support the huge sloppy turd.

“The gigantic grogan has a personality, talents, intellect, levels of integrity, and moral standards that are streets ahead of Boris,” one Tory MP said.

“Then once you line up the current and former sycophantic, rudderless, clueless cabinet ministers who may be candidates for the top job you soon realise that even a non-sentient pile of malodorous faecal matter offers a better choice.”

Another MP said she regretted the fact that the Conservative Party had not chosen the steaming poo pile ahead of Boris Johnson when he was elected leader in 2019.

“Imagine how much better off the government and the party would be now if we had a real shit as PM in 10 Downing Street instead of one that just had shit for brains and treated Britain, British voters, and standards of behaviour like shit.”

Yet another MP said his mind was made up and he would be supporting the stinking cigar mullett in the forthcoming Conservative Party leadership ballot.

“I think it will go down well once it is installed in 10 Downing Street because the people of Britain are looking for another Churchill, or at least a Churchill bream,” he said.

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LONDON: Boris Johnson has devised a compromise to settle concerns about the length of time he intends to stay in office as a caretaker prime minister while the Conservative Party chooses a new leader.

A Downing Street spokesperson said Mr Johnson had invited a previously low-profile backbencher to fill the role while the party undertakes what could be a lengthy process to choose a leader.

“The plan is for Doris Johnson (pictured) to be designated as acting prime minister while the leadership process is worked through,” the spokesperson said.

“It may well turn out that Doris does such a good job that Tory MPs might just decide to keep her on permanently. We certainly hope so.”

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WINDSOR: Police are investigating a series of harassing and threatening phone calls made to 10 Downing Street in the hours leading up to Boris Johnson’s announcement that he would be resigning as Conservative Party leader and later as prime minister.

A spokesperson for Thames Valley Police said the calls were believed to have been made by an elderly woman who repeatedly demanded that Mr Johnson resign immediately as she was “sick and tired of the fat, floppy-haired fucker” and never wanted to see him again.

The spokesperson said the source of the calls had been traced to a public phone box in the village of Windsor west of London.

“We have released somewhat blurry images from a street safety camera (pictured) of an elderly woman we think may be able to assist Thames Valley Police with their inquiries,” the spokesperson said.

“Anyone with information should contact Thames Valley Policy or their local police station.”