Would-be witness comes forward


A previously unidentified character witness has come forward to defend the Duke of York, Prince Andrew, who is facing court action in the United States over allegations of engaging in underage sex during the time he was friends with convicted child sex offender the late Jeffrey Epstein and convicted sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell. The Bug presents a transcript of a news conference in London at which the man (main picture) explained his offer to reporters.

Q: Could you identify yourself please?

A: Yes. My name is Horris, Ralf Horris.

Q: What is your connection to Prince Andrew?

A: I have no connection to him. I did paint his mum once though.

Q: You what?

A: Nothing, nothing. It doesn’t matter. Let’s move on.

Q: Right. What are you offering the Prince?

A: I want it to be known that I am willing to testify in any US court if it will assist in his defence.

Q: So, you’re a professional expert witness?

A: Yeah, I guess you could say that.

Q: So what information or expertise could you offer in his case?

A: Let’s just say that I am an expert in the type of allegations the Prince is facing and that my knowledge of such cases gained over many years could be useful to him and his legal team.

Q: But there appears to be a strong case against the Prince. What difference would just one witness like you make?

A: It’s not just me. I have a list of other expert witnesses with vast experience in this field who are also willing to testify in any US court.

Q: Can you name them?

A: Well I have a lot of material from a British witness who, sadly, is no longer with us.

Q: Who is that?

A: Sir Sammy Jiville. He has unfortunately passed on but I can assure you if he were still alive he’d be here with me today. Let’s not forget Sir Sammy was a knight of the realm. He did a lot of charity work – building or refurbishing hospitals and the like. He often spoke about the openings he attended. If a knight of the realm doesn’t deserve unquestioned respect, surely a prince and member of the royal family does.

Q: Who else is on your list?

A: I have several US-based expert witnesses willing to testify. People like Col Bisby and….ummm… Warvey Heinstein. They are, or were, highly respected and influential members of society. Surely their word should be taken at face value?

Q: Hang on, aren’t you listing the names of convicted or charged sex offenders and just transposing initials in their names?

A: Not at all. These are well-credentialled potential expert witnesses. How dare you say I’m trying to disguise their real identities by jumbling their names up a bit.

Q: So who else is on your list?

A: Give me a second….

Q: So who is it?

A: He’s another British witness whose name is….aaahhhh…..

Q: You’re just playing for time until you work out how to mix up his name aren’t you?

A: Not at all. It’s…. Gary Glitter.

Q: I told you.

A: Oh fuck!

Mr Horris then departed the news conference, walking away so quickly that he almost fell over after one of his legs tangled momentarily with his other two.