Snappers have their work cut out

FEDERAL ELECTION:

News Crap Australia is gearing up for the 2022 federal election by taking delivery of new equipment to be used by its photographers on the campaign trail.

A company spokesperson said it was well aware of the key role it played in the nation’s democratic process.

“As our readers and any observers of Australian politics would know, we have a three-pronged responsibility to the electorate and to our nation’s democratic system,” the spokesperson said.

“First, it’s our job to examine the policies put forward by both major parties. Second, we need to scrutinise the two major party leaders vying to be Prime Minister of Australia, and finally, we need to ensure sufficient voters support the Liberal Party to return Scott Morrison to The Lodge.

“To fulfil this truly sacred duty our photographers will be able to use new technology in the coming campaign – life-size and life-like cut-outs of Scott Morrison which can be carried and set up at events where the PM may not be in person. (main picture)

“This will allow our news outlets to run even more pictures – if that’s possible – of the PM posing as a knockabout, boofy bloke, one who loves his footy and a beer. A sort of every voter’s daggy dad.

“We have always done our best to run as many of these type of snaps as possible, but often the PM isn’t actually at a venue where he would otherwise slip into his campaign trail persona.

“These new, and might I add very expensive, props will change all that. For instance, a bog standard picture of a car or truck will light up and most likely hit our front pages if it includes the PM in a high-viz vest at the wheel.

“Likewise with a crowd shot taken at any footy match. It will be splashed on page one if it has the PM in his Sharks’ gear, even if Cronulla isn’t actually in the game.”

The News Crap Australia spokesperson said similar cut-outs of Labor leader Anthony Albanese would also be used in the coming campaign.

“We just haven’t taken delivery of the Albo cut-outs because when we saw the proofs we asked them to be reworked because his eyes weren’t beady enough or close enough together, his skin wasn’t red or scaly enough, and we weren’t happy about the smallish size of his devil horns.

“All of the Albo shots are being retouched and his cut-outs should be ready soon, although I reckon it’s a bit of a waste of money since in reality we probably won’t be running any shots of him at all during the campaign,” the spokesperson said.