You can bet your life on Kisma!

As we lurch into the last quarter of 2021, it’s so important that we all try to survive to enjoy the fested season, right? And that’s regardless of whether we’re all still locked down or have been given our freedom to live and die with COVID-19!

So if there’s ever been anyone to keep you all safe and sound until then, it’s the world’s most accurate soothsayer in all of history – Kisma Aryias. So take it away Kisma!

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You join the “there’s a sucker born every minute” brigade when you put some hard-earned with sportsbet at its very lucrative odds of 91-1 on an October 2021 federal election. The reason? It may as well be 10,000-1 because the minimum number of days required for a campaign under the Constitution is 33 days from the issuing of the writs, which makes an October poll now impossible. The earliest poll date now would be November 6 and Smoko would have to drive out to Yarralumla pretty bloody soon if he wants that to happen.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened alley armed only with a 3kg Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter the motor-industry “innovator” who not only thought up the idea of a car’s engine cutting out while you’re stopped at the lights but who made it the vehicle’s default setting.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

It was only after you heard Scott Morrison say he didn’t phone French president Emmanuel Macron over welshing on their subs deal because Macron didn’t speak English and it was only after you then heard Scott Morrison say he didn’t phone French president Emmanuel Macron because he didn’t speak French that it finally dawned on you that while Morrison might have the cunning of a thousand shithouse rats, he really is a rather dim-witted, quite ignorant oaf.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You have a Bex and a good lie-down after reading another mainstream media columnist – this time Stephen Brook in the Sun-Herald – suggesting Peter Dutton mightn’t make such a bad prime minister after all.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You wonder how many other Australians are out there who are totally thankful and mightily relieved when they accidentally click onto a story in the online The Australian and are immediately accosted by their subscriber homepage that they can then happily and immediately click out of.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You ponder the possibility that if, for some bizarre reason you were forced to wipe your bottom with torn-off sheets from a copy of The Courier-Mail – for any length of time really – how long would it take for it to become a right-wing arsehole.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You remain disappointed after hearing of a recent two-page spread in The Courier-Mail by Des Houghton, particularly as you had been led to believe he was no longer writing, having been in the foetal position in the corner of a darkened room ever since last year’s Queensland state election muttering between pathetically long bouts of sobbing: “Why did the voters of the state ignore us – me – yet again!” over and over again. “Why, dear Lord, why?”

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You hear that the reason why Scott Morrison is considering not going to the Glasgow climate conference is that Nancy Pelosi, possibly the only politician in the entire world who thinks he’s a world leader in combating climate change, won’t be there.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You spend several days in hospital being treated for shock after you contact several tradies all of whom respond promptly, visit your house to inspect the project you want completed, give you timely and reasonably priced quotes for the work involved, and the one you choose to undertake the work completes it professionally and on time.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Watching yet another interview with Elon Musk you wish he would hurry up his plans to go to Mars.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You are not surprised to read that Malcolm Turnbull might campaign against the Liberal Party at the next election given his performance during the 2016 campaign.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

In a moment of dazzling clarity, you wonder why most reasonable people hate the idea of caged chickens for egg production so passionately but then see images of cattle feedlots that stretch almost to the horizon and think: “Whatevers!”