Albo’s shock change in tactics

FEDERAL POLITICS:

FUKAUS! With just this one shocking word, Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has signalled a dramatic change in ALP tactics, one that will reshape the looming federal election campaign.

Shouting FUKAUS! FUKAUS! FUKAUS! over and over at a hastily arranged media call in his inner-city Sydney electorate of Grayndler late yesterday, Mr Albanese cast aside his party’s plan to fight the poll now expected in May 2022 purely on the issues of honesty and integrity in politics and has now actually adopted a policy!

Seasoned mainstream politics writers and observers are divided on whether this idea of actually having a policy different from the Morrison government will garner public approval.

“It’s a big risk,” one of the three Peter van Onselens who cover Australian politics told The Bug. “It certainly means Labor will now have to ditch its planned campaign theme of “I’m not Scott Morrison” to get Albanese over the line.

And this new policy that Albanese announced at yesterday’s media call?

If elected, he will do his best to negotiate France’s inclusion in the new AUKUS pact announced only last week, thus creating FUKAUS to work over coming decades for a peaceful and cooperative Indo-Pacific region.

“I could have just begged the Prime Minister to go and get FUKAUS but he’s not going to do that the way he stitched up the French, breaking bread with President Macros while knowing full well he was going to sink their submarine-build contract.

“My incoming Labor government will work hard to convince the United Kingdom and the United States that France with its interests and territories in the Pacific, including French Polynesia, New Caledonia, Wallis and Futuna, is a natural fit and perfect partner for the FUKAUS pact.

“And to repair the damage caused by Morrison with our long-term European ally, I’ll be demanding that some French-made nuclear submarines are included in our future subs acquisitions as our four great nations take Chinese bullying in our region head on!

“You know it all makes complete sense and I am not at all embarrassed to actually finally present a policy to take to the Australian people.

“My entire focus as prime minister will be to keep Australians safe and secure and if anyone asks how I’m going to do that, all I can say is FUKAUS!”

Mr Albanese then raised both fists in the air and shouted FUKAUS! FUKAUS! FUKAUS! over and over again as the sky suddenly darkened as a drift of rather large and pink-coloured pigs, too many to count despite their slow speed, flew lazily overhead.