Public plea for health help


Police and health authorities have issued a public appeal for chiropractors and osteopaths willing to help with a mass outbreak of spinal strains and muscular injuries at News Crap Australia’s headquarters at Surry Hills in Sydney.

A NSW Health spokesperson said any chiropractors or osteopaths who were available to assist should make their way immediately to the media organisation’s offices.

“We have managed to treat some staff already with the limited number of chiropractors in the local area around the Holt Street offices,” the spokesperson said.

“But we need many more if we are to adequately treat the shocking number of obvious and serious physical injuries among News Crap Australia staff that have confronted us since yesterday.”

The spokesperson said one of the first to be treated at the scene was Ben English, editor of The Daily Telegraph, who was rushed to the Royal Prince Alfred Hospital’s spinal unit where he was reported to be resting uncomfortably after initial treatment. (main picture)

A spokesperson for NSW Police said investigations were still under way into the cause of the mass outbreak of injuries.

“Our forensic investigators are focussing on video footage from security cameras installed in The Daily Tele’s newsroom,” the spokesperson said.

“It shows editorial staff from the editor down suddenly performing backflips and somersaults as well as twisting themselves into all sorts of strange and unnatural positions.

“The time stamp on the footage suggests this mass outbreak of injury-causing contortions occurred at the precise time NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian was announcing a lockdown in large parts of Sydney.

“Further analysis and interviews are being undertaken but we reckon we’ve pinpointed the problem,” the spokesperson said.