Has Uhlmann got the rest licked?

The Bug’s Media Glass House Arse-Licker of the Month award for May has another strong contender – one who looks likely to not only win the month easily but to kick on and dominate so much of what’s left of the year that he might very well have the overall 2021 Arse-Licker of the Year award safely in his grasp.

We talk of no other than Channel 9’s Chris Uhlmann and if he continues in the same vein as he has over recent nights out of Nine News’ Sydney studio, we may as well put down the glasses now, folks.

If he carries on the same vein, he may as well clear room on his mantelpiece right now for the coveted trophy.

We are referring, of course, to his penchant for ending a report with a pro-Liberals, pro-Scott Morrison, piece to camera that The Bug suspects really should have a “Written and spoken Chris Uhlmann for the Liberal Party of Australia” statement at the end to comply with Australian Electoral Commission rules.

It’s probably fairly well known that Uhlmann thinks the sun shines out of Scott Morrison’s arse and with cooler, wintery months ahead, perhaps he can’t be blamed for trying to keep his tongue warm?

Two reports over recent nights clearly show what we mean.

Both were basically yarns on the PM’s post Budget roadshow and to be fair, as The Bug always is, both gave at least the semblance of some balance, with short grabs by Labor luminaries

The template, though, seems fairly rigid: that as a tradeoff for such feints of fairness, images of Scott Morrison doing post-Budget stunty things and ministers spruiking policy must far outweigh those alternative views. And fair enough to a point: they are the government, after all.

Let’s look first at Monday night’s report, presumably mostly about the COVID vaccination roll-out and talk of an electronic vaccine passport.

Here’s Chris’s opening gambit: “It might be a year away but the Prime Minister is on the road to the next election and he wants to tap into the rewards that hardline premiers reaped by leading through a pandemic.”

Then a grab from the PM: “We’ve protected lives and we’ve protected livelihoods.”

Yes, we know! Vomitous revisionism from a master hypocrite but that’s not important right now.

There’s a cosy one-on-one between Uhlmann and the PM who responds to not so much a question than a statement: “We need internal vaccination passports.”

A quick grab of Queensland Premier Annastacia Palaszczuk calling such passports a thought bubble that hadn’t been discussed at national cabinet; then some bloke from some mob called One Passport agreeing with the PM and who is no doubt hoping production of the new passports might be privatised to some suitable outfit with strong Liberal Party connections.

Morrison’s Budget roadshow then rolls into Melbourne to “quell the idea that Indian Australians are furious about the slow pace of repatriations from the sub-continent”. Tick! Quell completement!

Okay, ready for the political party announcement?

Uhlmann: “The Prime Minister’s election pitch is simple: it’s aimed at the regions and the suburbs and is focused on the two things he believes most people aspire to: a good job and a home of their own.”

Where the fuck did that come from?

Not so much a motherhood statement but a I-love-the-father-of-the-nationhood statement.

Written and spoken Chris Uhlmann for the Liberal Party of Australia.

Now for last night’s segment from Uhlmann, primarily about a $2 billion injection to keep our nation’s two oil refineries open for another decade.

Once again, short grabs from Jim Chalmers and Chris Bowen get drowned out by the PM and Angus Taylor.

Now for Chris’s lengthy political statement, accompanied by vision of the PM doing all sorts of things.

“Health and economic security are at the heart of Scott Morrison’s Budget roadshow …he is on the ground, salesman-in-chief, hands on and echoing the key messages at every stop from the refinery to playing tailor…to a gathering of the leaders of women’s community groups…

“Every Budget serves a number of purposes; it’s a works program; it’s reelection platform; it’s a statement of government values.”

Now, where the fuck did that come from?

Written and spoken Chris Uhlmann for the Liberal Party of Australia

Don Gordon-Brown