Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been forced into bed rest and 14 days isolation after a mouth swab test over the Easter long weekend revealed minute traces of empathy.
“The PM has openly admitted he has no chance of being effective as the nation’s leader if he cares about anything or anyone so naturally this result has him very, very worried,” an aide told The Bug.
“Mr Morrison realised something was wrong on Easter Sunday when he was on his knees in the lounge room at Kirribilli House on the Sydney Harbour foreshore pretending for his professional photographer to shed tears over the Biolela Four rotting away in detention on Christmas Island when he was shocked to realise he actually cared about them just a teensy weensy bit.
“Not much, mind, but he very briefly wondered if they were getting a basic pudding every now and then as a reward for good behaviour.”
A worried PM immediately demanded that staff call NSW Premier Gladys Berejiklian who arranged for the state’s chief medical officer to organise immediate testing.
Despite the positive finding for barely detectable traces of empathy, health authorities are confident Mr Morrison (pictured at top) will be back to his total uncaring best in no time at all.
“At one point this morning in one of his more lucid moments I heard him tell Jenny to fuck right off when she tried to bring him a cuppa so that’s a good sign,” the aide added.
The PM’s official Sydney residence’s sewage outpipe was also tested but only the normal amounts of QAnon were detected there.