Shock revelations overnight that Andrew Laming is a long-term serial killer – possibly the worse in world history – has forced a furious Prime Minister Scott Morrison to demand the Queensland MP double his empathy and awareness training.
“This is the sort of behaviour that we as a nation simply has to stamp out,” Mr Morrison said this morning. “Andrew needs to show us he can change.
“And he needs to show that not just to my wife Jenny and my two lovely daughters and my widowed mother but to all the women of Australia.
“I want Andrew to show genuine remorse over these latest reported actions and to convince us he can learn from his mistakes and serve the people of Bowman with distinction as he has now for many, many years.”
Overnight, Laming accompanied Queensland police to a number of investment properties he owns in the south Queensland electorate. It is understood that forensic experts are now recovering an undisclosed number of bodies from inside the cavity brick walls and under the floorboards of weatherboard homes and from shallow backyard graves. Most but not all of the victims have been female.
“So this clearly is not a men-versus-women matter,” Mr Morrison said. “I find his whole behaviour to be very, very disappointing and I can’t believe I’ve now had to give Andrew three dressing downs in as many days.
“I do appreciate though that Andrew off his own bat has agreed to additional clinical counselling on top of the empathy training and awareness courses I have directed him to undertake.”
“I appreciate, as I’m sure we all do, the decision by Andrew to step aside from all parliamentary duties while he receives full-time help.”
But Mr Morrison’s softly spoken demeanour that dripped of empathy at the media call changed immediately with a demand of the Opposition.
“In the short time I expect Andrew will need to turn into the decent, caring, intelligent and professional person he has always wanted to be, I expect Anthony Albanese to offer a pair for Andrew if he is still absent come the May sittings.”
Pressing his glasses closer to his face for emphasis, the PM continued: “I am demanding this as the leader of the side of politics that has always, steadfastly, obeyed each and every principle and tenet of ethical parliamentary behaviour.”
Mr Morrison’s mood darkened further with a question as to whether he had ever thought about the physical similarities between Laming and notorious United States killer Ted Bundy. (at top).
“You can editorialise all you like but I simply do not accept the premise of your question,” Mr Morrison replied before abruptly ending the media conference and speeding off to Cronulla Beach with his official photographer.