Sex expert defends desk wanker

One of the world’s leading sexologists has suggested people could be too quick to judgment in condemning the federal parliamentary staffer who masturbated over a woman MP’s desk.

“Calling such an act horrendous and despicable might seem the most logical, reasonable and acceptable gut response but ignores the possibility that such an act can be a statement of affection or even a desperate cry for help for a dreadful addiction,” Doctor Dick, The Bug’s resident and much loved sexologist, said overnight.

Speaking from the International Genital Warts Exposition in Geneva, Switzerland, where he is a star exhibit, Doctor Dick said people should at least accept the possibility that the poor chap had a serious furniture fetish.

“I once had a poor young man come to my treatment rooms with possibly the most acute case of that dreadful condition I had ever encountered.

“Already barred for life from Freedom Furniture outlets, he couldn’t walk through the furniture section at Harvey Norman without losing complete control there and then.

“He showed me a photo of a Coda leather corner lounge suite that, dead set, you could barely recognise. It reminded me of the time I saw a custard truck hit a brick wall.

“If this chap in Canberra indeed had an uncontrollable furniture fetish, he needed professional care and diagnosis, not carpeting and dismissal.”

Doctor Dick said critics, women particularly, should also not jump to the conclusion that the act was clearly a misogynist statement from an entrenched dominant patriarchal hegemony.

“Okay, on the surface, what happened in Canberra looks like the act of a private-school-educated wanker with a law degree who thinks he’s wasted as a parliamentary staffer and a safe Liberal seat should have been handed to him long before now and he should be sitting behind that exact desk he’s defiling.

“I note that the young man in question was just one of a group who conducted themselves in this manner.

“It may be that they are very shy and have committed such acts simply because they are not  capable of approaching women to directly express their feelings for them.

“Leaving some hand-motion lotion behind was the only way they knew of making their feelings known.

“Of course there’s always the more likely possibility that they’re just a bunch of self-obsessed and entitled wankers – literally.”

Doctor Dick then apologised that he’d have to cut his expert comments short as he was due back on his stand for another two-hour exhibition.

Editor’s note: Doctor Dick (pictured below) has been answering cries for help from around the world since The Bug was first published in 1989. He is the author of three tomes of his QandA’s over those decades that took the world of publishing by surprise and could very easily have been best-sellers.