Trump’s final days of wreckoning

With just over a week to go before Joe Biden’s inauguration, a worried world wonders just what Donald J. Trump will get up to in his final days in power.

The Bug has been deluged with so many messages of concern that it asked its world-famous soothsayer Kisma Aryias – the most accurate stargazer in history – to hopefully put their understandable fears for the future of the United States, indeed the entire world, to rest.

Kisma grabbed his crystal balls tightly and here’s what he has foreseen.

Thursday, January 14: President Trump broadcasts a statement videoed in the Oval Office during which he admits his shame and disgust at continuing to argue after the presidential election on November 3 that he had won in a landslide and the vote had been rigged. “I lost fair and square and a much better man would have admitted that at the get go,” an emotional Trump says. Twitter restores his account as media banter grows about how his looks may have also changed a little along with his outlook.

Saturday, January 16: President Trump is photographed in the Rose Garden holding hands with Melania Trump, even though Washington insiders know for sure he stopped paying the FLOTUS to do that around mid-November.

Monday, January 18: President Trump tweets that he will attend Joe Biden’s inauguration after all, saying it was the right and proper thing to do. “It’s time for me to stand up and be proud. Boys should look up to me as someone they want to emulate in adulthood,” he says.

Tuesday, January 19: A beaming Melania Trump is photographed outside her flash new apartment in Washington DC, holding hands with several men touted as Republican nominees for the 2024 presidential elections. The White House dismisses the image as “fake news from the lamestream media”.

Wednesday, January 20: 10.25am: Not only does President Trump attend the inauguration on the steps of the Capitol building but instead of just rushing up the stairs alone to the swearing-in platform like last time when he left Melania standing like a shag on a rock, he walks around the Beast, opens up the door for Melania, gives her a big hug and a kiss and they walk up together, hand in hand. Media chatter intensifies mainly around the theme: who the hell is this guy?

Wednesday, January 20: 12.15pm: Minutes after Joe Biden is sworn into office at noon as the 46th President of the United States and begins a rambling, incoherent, mind-numbing, three-hour acceptance speech, he drops dead from old age. Kamala Harris is ushered forward by the Supreme Court president and takes the oath as the 47th – and first female – President of the United States. While all this is going on, almost unnoticed is the team of local, New York and Florida prosecutors backed by Washington DC law enforcement officers who move forward swiftly and serve now private-citizen Trump with dozens of writs alleging all sorts of company act and tax violations and other criminal offences.

Wednesday, January 20: 12.21pm: Those prosecutors and police discover to their horror that the man they have just handcuffed is Alec Baldwin, who tearfully explains he had been forced to play the part of Trump over recent days by secret service agents who had threatened his family.

Wednesday, January 20: 4.30pm: North Korean state media announces that Donald Trump’s application for asylum has been granted by President Kim Jong-un. Footage shows Trump, who had flown in on Air Force Seven (a twin-engined Cessna) late last week, and Supreme Leader Kim enjoying a round of golf at a course near the capital Pyongyang. President Trump and a packed grandstand of North Korean generals are shown applauding wildly as Kim completes his last of 18 holes-in-one. Both presidents kiss briefly at the end of the game with aides for both quick to deny any suggestions the two are fiends with benefits.

Friday, January 22: After unleashing a torrent of tweets from North Korea urging his “Trumpian Guard” back in the United States to do whatever needs to be done to stop the steal, declaring he had won the election on November 3 in a yuge landslide and calling on his supporters to step back and then step up, all locked and loaded and ready to rumble, Trump is once again banned from Twitter. “Make me proud, boys!” is the last tweet he ever sends.