That’s Clive sorted; now for Donald

In just a few days, the leader of the free world for the next four years will be known. Will the result in the United States bring us all out of our bunkers, a broad smile on our faces and a spring in our step as we face a new dawn with renewed enthusiasm or will Sleepy, Dopey, Joe Biden win and ….

Just joshin’, okay. Look, even if the Orange Baboon pulls off an unexpected win, it won’t be the end of the world and it would be folly of us to all curl up in foetal positions in darkened corners and fear the worst. We survived Donald’s first term, right?

And helping us survive what lies ahead – for November just for starters – is the world’s most accurate soothsayer. Follow the advice of Kisma Aryias and everything’s going to come up trumps. Oh, more than that. It will be yuge! The best ever!

astars dinkus

October 23 – November 21

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a darkened alley late at night armed with a 3kg cricket bat, you encounter the person who designed the cutting edge along the sides of Coles’ cling-wrap dispensers.

November 22 – December 21

You enjoyed the first two Jack Reacher films and wondered why there hasn’t been a third until you realise the most likely explanation is that Tom Cruise came up short.

December 22 – January 19

After watching yet another TV news broadcast about a huge drug and money haul, you wonder, as you’ve never seen one yourself, if the $100 note was only ever put into circulation for such illicit drug deals.

January 20 – February 18

You are rushed to hospital suffering from shock after you manage to poke the cord through the cutting head of your whipper-snipper at the very first attempt.

February 19 – March 20

Still working from home alone, you look forward to this week’s 2020 Melbourne Cup because for once in your life you have a pretty good chance of drawing the winner in the office sweep.

March 21 – April 19

While you never really rated Peter Costello as a federal treasurer, you are slowly changing your mind as to his money-management skills as he continues to get away with, as chairman of Nine Entertainment, making weekend SMH and Sun-Herald subscribers pay over $4 for skinny editions decimated by COVID-19.

April 20 – May 20

Considering last night’s Queensland election results, you are praying that close friends and/or family members of Des Houghton and Peter Gleeson had the foresight to remove all sharp objects from their homes.

May 21 – June 20

Considering last night’s Queensland election results, you are not at all surprised to see that stocks in Clive Palmer’s Minerology and other companies associated with his Waratah Coal mine holdings have taken an absolute hammering.

June 21 – July 22

Considering last night’s Queensland election results, a vision of Clive Palmer comes into your head, along with that old saying: “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

July 23 – August 22

Considering last night’s Queensland election results, you’d love to have been a fly on the wall in the office of The Sunday Mail editor Kelvin Healey when the call from New York came through late last night.

August 23 – September 22

Considering last night’s Queensland election results, you’d love to be a fly on the wall in the office of The Courier-Mail editor Chris Jones when the call from New York comes through sometime this afternoon.

September 23 – October 22

Considering last night’s Queensland election results, you wouldn’t want to be seeking a mining job on any Waratah Coal project in central Queensland any time soon. Right, Clive? That multi-million dollar investment of yours to try to swing the Queensland election with a redhot Labor 20% death tax porkie was an absolute masterstroke, mate. Pass on our thanks to your missus. Like you, she’s a peach.