Memo UK: you’d be mad to hire the Monk


As soon as it heard about the possibility, The Bug felt it had a moral duty to give the Boris Johnson Tory Government in the UK some short, sharp advice on whether to appoint former Australian PM Tony Abbott to some central role of post-Brexit trade envoy.

Our message overnight in an email with attachments to the UK Trade Secretary was simple and blunt: DON’T DO IT!

The Bug freely offered up six of the very best reasons to show Abbott the door at the first interview stage…. and if they are stupid enough to follow through with a widely reported job offer as a trade envoy, how to manage Abbott so he causes as little damage as possible.

1. Just because Tony Abbott became Australian Prime Minister does not mean he’s blessed with an engaging or interesting personality  – or any basic charms, come to think of it.

Abbott briefly became PM for two reasons and two reasons only and we hope those special circumstances are never, ever, repeated again. They are pictured below.

rudd and gillard - net

2. Having been a Rhodes scholar doesn’t make Tony Abbott particularly bright.

Abbott is, in fact, stuck halfway on his life’s journey to being an idiot savant. He’s basically pretty stupid. Whatever he studied at the Queen’s College Oxford had to be one of those “rote” subjects such as philosophy, law or politics. That’s our best guess.

How dumb? Apart from himself, those darling old royalist fossils David Flint and John Howard were the only other two Australians who thought creating a special Australian knighthood for Prince Philip was a good idea.

This brainfart of Abbott’s – the catalyst for his downfall – is made more bizarre and unfathomable coming from someone who sees himself as the quintessential sports-loving, knockabout Aussie male who eschews authority.

3. Having been a national leader does not make Tony Abbott any good as a speaker.

If you make the mistake of giving Abbott any job whatsoever to do with trade just don’t let him make a speech about it.

We have attached his “opening address” to the Gee-I wish-I-hadn’t-come-to -this-20 in Brisbane in 2014 during his term in office.

Watch the faces of real world leaders as he bumbles through the sort of domestic stump speech he gave during the 2013 election. Watch them squirm with embarrassment. The poor prick simply wasn’t smart enough to know how unsuitable everything he said was for that occasion.

Please do not inflict him on your various trade officials and your potential trading partners or you’ll all be begging to rejoin the EU.

4. Tony Abbott considers himself to be quite a wit – but once again he’s only half-way there.

Again, we have attached various videos of times he’s said something he thinks is clever and witty. See how his lips purse like a dried-out drunk in need of a stiff drink and then he does that parrot-flicking thing with his tongue. Keep him well away from evening functions and the like.

Oh, and get used to that “smile”. He forms a sort of on-death’s-door rictus with his mouth that he thinks makes him look like he’s smiling and he’s really happy to be where he’s at and has really been interested in what the people around have all had to say. He often follows the “smile” with a stacatto Ha-Ha-Ha laugh that’s even more fake, it that’s at all possible.

5. How can anyone so basically stupid and so tragically average as Tony Abbott think he’s so crash hot?

Yes, this is the big one. Tony Abbott makes Malcolm Turnbull look like the most modest and retiring of folk and The Bug has no fucking idea how that’s come about. It’s got be upbringing.

We can’t point to any of his life’s “achievements” that deserve that level of hubris, arrogance and self-appreciation. It is truly staggering, considering Abbott as PM made Billie McMahon look statesmanlike.

Let’s end with on a positive note:

6. Abbott will show fuck-all interest in striking international trade deals in a post-Brexit world if you make the grave mistake of giving him such a job.

After 30 years in federal parliament, Abbott lost his safe beachside electorate in inner-Sydney by campaigning that he had so much still to do – like fixing local roads, more porta-loos for the esplanade, refilling mobile libraries – all the sorts of state or local council things far from his jurisdiction yet strangely much more in keeping with his natural talents and skillsets. The electorate loo

Lately, he’s taken to standing on Manly Beach at low tide and scouting: “I told you climate change was CRAP!!”

If you end up being conned into giving him a high-powered job, put him in a windowless room somewhere – give him a few underlings as staff; why not! – where he can master some meaningless side tasks while fixing those staff with that “smile” and pursing his lips and doing that parrot thing he does with his tongue when he thinks he’s said something clever or witty, which in his humble opinion is whenever he opens his mouth.

Oh, let’s add one more.

7. If you do take him, please for fuck’s sake keep him!