Lord Downer launches legal action


Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has revealed he is instituting legal action against the operators of online apps giving open access to electric scooters.

His Lordship called together reporters from various media outlets for a news conference in the long drive of his family estate Pout House (pictured) to explain his decision.

After alighting from his sedan chair borne by four strapping young lads clad only in light-weave muslin lap-laps, Lord Downer declared he would be making a statement but would not entertain any questions.

Cutting dead one member of the media contingent who dared asked why, His Lordship declared he had never and would never be questioned by those from a lower station in life.

“That would be simply absurd my good man,” he said while turning his gaze and body away from the recalcitrant reporter.

His Lordship then proceeded to outline the circumstances leading to his decision to take e-scooter operators to court.

“I have watched for some time now the operations of these various companies who basically allow anyone to have access to a personal conveyance which they can pick up and use almost anywhere and then simply abandon at the end of their journey,” Lord Downer explained.

“This is a clear breach of my own longstanding practice of having junior under-footmen stationed at 20-yard intervals around my estate.

“These young lads are there for my personal use and are instructed to carry me anywhere I desire to go with no questions asked.

“I often use one to visit my tenant farmers or to go for a brisk and invigorating early morning jog.

“It is then simply a matter of leaving them where they stand when I have no longer a need for them, and they are instructed to stay put until needed again or advised to do otherwise.

“The operators of these so-called e-scooter ‘apps’, whatever that word means, have clearly stolen my idea and have been using it to no doubt make many, many pounds in recent years — a portion of which clearly belongs to me.

“Therefore I have instructed my lawyers to begin proceedings immediately against these rotters. Damn their eyes.

“I, of course, will take no part in the proceedings as I never mix with people of trade.”

At that His Lordship was again posed a question by the reporter who earlier breached Pout House protocol.

But if Lord Downer heard the enquiry he did not let on and instead declared the news conference to be at an end, walked the few feet to the nearest waiting junior under-footman, and was carried at pace back to Pout House.