What Prince Andrew should have said!

ROYAL FAMILY IN TURMOIL:

One of Australia’s leading crisis management experts and public relations gurus has defended Prince Andrew’s decision to take part in that recent BBC “trainwreck” interview – he simply argues the prince needed to handle things entirely differently.

Mr Carry Stevens argues that playboy and party Prince Andrew is an old bull who “should have grabbed that interview by the horns and ridden it into the dust”.

“Prince Andrew had nothing to be ashamed of and he should have walked away from that interview with his royal head held high and all doubts about any impropriety or indecency on his part laid to rest once and for all!” Mt Stevens told The Bug.

Stevens released a transcript of how the interview should have gone.

BBC Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis: Did you have sex on three occasions with Virginia Roberts?

Duke of York, Prince Andrew: Three occasions! I gave that girl a right royal rogering so many times I lost count. She was a real goer!

Maitlis: So you really got a sweat up?

Prince Andrew: It was pouring off me, sweetie. Brought on by a bit of nerves there too, I suppose. An old bastard like me with such a beautiful young woman. Couldn’t believe my luck! I’d just bought a sardine and anchovy pizza from Pizza Express in Woking and I smeared a slice all over her….

Maitlis: Okay. Got it. But she was only 17?

Prince Andrew: What, are you telling me she wasn’t legal? Well, whoop-de-fucking-do. I thought she was but charge me with unlawful carnal knowledge and fine me a hundred pounds then! The Firm will make sure it’s done in a closed court and mummy will pay. Besides, do you really think that will harm my reputation? I married Fergie!

Maitlis: You don’t seem to have any shame about….

Prince Andrew: Ems, can I be frank here? Do you know how hard it is being a royal, especially one as handsome and as available as me?

Miatlis: Erm….

Prince Andrew: There are so many of them out there, Ems. Right royal rooters, I call them. Prince parasites. They can’t get enough of us. Even if you don’t feel like it, they don’t care. They just come on hot and strong. Take Chucky for example…

Mialis: Your older brother, Prince Charles?

Prince Andrew: That’s him. Women can’t get enough of him! He’s got women coming out of his ears!

Mialis: That’s a lot of women.

Prince Andrew: Exactly.

Mialis: Let’s get onto your friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Prince Andrew: Sure. Very sad.

Mialis: Any regrets about maintaining a friendship with him after his convictions for pedophilia?

Prince Andrew: Of course not. He paid his penalty. Do you think he needed to be punished doubly as much. Or more? He’s a good friend and he’s been very kind to me over a long time. What, part of his punishment should be that he is ostracised by everybody from that moment on. Deserted like a leper, alone and with no chance of a life afterwards? I’m not that sort of person. I like to think of myself as honourable in that regard.

Mialis: Okay, but what do you say to…..

Prince Andrew: Do you mind if I finish off by saying something straight to the camera?

Mialis: Erm… I guess not.

Prince Andrew: To all those victims of Jeffrey’s disgraceful behaviour I say sorry. If there’s anything I can do to help you through this, please. I’m only a call away. Thank you.

Mialis: That was very, very …

Prince Andrew: Honourable?

Mialis: Yes, it was.

Prince Andrew: How old are you, Ems?

Mialis: I’m thirty-four.

Prince Andrew: That’s a fair bit too old for me but, still, you are cute. Would you like to have a drinky-poo after this?

Mialis: I guess so.

Prince Andrew: Great. Do you have any schoolgirl uniforms handy?