Beattie grabs new role by the balls

SPORT:

The irrepressible Peter Beattie is back in the limelight with a prestigious new job – as chairman of the Women’s Big Bash League.

The five-year posting for the former Queensland Premier follows his recent departure after several controversial years as Australian Rugby League Commission chairman.

“I know some of you had heard rumours that I was going to head WAFL (sic), the Australian women’s Aussie Rules outfit,” Mr Beattie told media in Brisbane as his position was announced at the Gabba.

“But I might have waffled on a little too much in that job,” he joked with that trademark grin that made him one of the Sunshine State’s most-loved political leaders.

“But seriously though,” Mr Beattie continued solemnly, showing he was already very much on top of his brief, “I want to take the Women’s Big Girls Blouse League (sic) to the next level.”

Mr Beattie was flanked by several of the league’s club captains who could fit in the job announcement with their current game schedules – Meg Lanning, Ellyse Perry and Rachel Haynes.

Turning to the skippers, Mr Beattie said: “I appreciate all your schedules are hectic right now so thank you, Marg (sic), Ellen (sic) and Robin (sic) for making the time and effort to be here at the WACCA (sic) today.

“In the years to come, I want these elite women athletes to be indistinguishable from their famous male counterparts.

“Fights in bars, drunken debauchery, accusations of excessive sledging, long runs of ducks or low scores, that sort of thing.

“But I guess ball tampering might be a bit more difficult,” he said, flashing that famous “aw shucks” grin of his once more before snapping back to his deadly serious face, a spontaneous transformation that no-one has ever done better and that includes Bob Katter Jnr.

“But seriously though, I am really looking forward to working with the Perth Seamstresses (sic), the Adelaide Sirens (sic), the Melbourne Retrobates (sic), their cross-city rivals, the Melbourne Startups (sic), the Sydney Thunderboxes (sic) and the Sydney Sweethearts (sic), the Hobart Hotties (sic) and my hometown team, the Brisbane OnHeats (sic).

“I am totally committed to making women’s croquet (sic) the game to watch.”

Mr Beattie then thanked Rebel Wilson (sic) for sponsoring the competition before abruptly ending the media call and leaving before sports scribes could ask why he had been holding a tennis racket the entire time.