THE END IS NIGH:
Countless Australians owe Scott Morrison a unconditional apology – it turns out that constant “smirky and arrogant” look on the Prime Minister’s face since he won the “unwinnable election” back in May that irks them so much has been completely misunderstood!
The Bug can reveal that Mr Morrison’s now constant facial expression is actually one of “quiet satisfaction and keen anticipation” because he knows when and where the End of Days – the Rapture – will occur, and what’s more, he and his family are proud as punch to be ready for it.
The Bug has secretly filmed Mr Morrison deep in prayer at his beloved Hillside Church in Sydney in recent weeks and employed the services of a Pentecostal talking-in-tongues interpreter/lip reader to tell us what the Good Lord Jesus above has been saying to the PM during those intimate one-on-one moments.
“Mr Morrison’s interest in the Rapture – the end of days – was heightened by the recent news story of a Dutch family locked up in their farmhouse basement for years waiting for the world to end,” the interpreter told The Bug.
“It turns out that Mr Morrison’s new look is not one of hubris and self-importance; it’s one of hope and eternal salvation.
“What really renewed the PM’s interest in the End Time was the reported comment of one of the doomsday family members who escaped from the cult. The young man allegedly told Dutch police: ‘I’m a geddon outa here.’
“And that’s exactly how Mr Morrison feels too.”
The interpreter said that while Mr Morrison had over many Sundays given thanks for his miraculous May election victory to the Big Guy in the Sky (operator of the 24-hour Divine Channel) and had acknowledged the small contribution of the big yellow guy and his advertisements, he has increasingly been keen to know when it will all end.
Or put another way, while the PM’s constant references to the Second Coming at the church was thought by fellow worshipers to refer to his anticipated victory in the 2022 federal election, his infallible Master above knew better.
Using Pentecostal tongue talk, God has told the PM the precise date of the End of Time and where he and his family need to be at that time to be lifted up to eternal salvation.
Naturally, Mr Morrison will not disclose those details as it would be both cruel and complete folly for people who have insulted the good Lord Jesus Christ above by not becoming wealthy to believe they had any chance whatsoever of escaping the fiery lakes of sulphur and brimstone when the Rapture comes. Besides, how many people would have prepared for the event as brilliantly as Mr Morrison has, ruthlessly squashing opponents to now be in the position to have access to the RAAF jet?
“No, the PM’s current facial expression is one of acceptance, pride almost, in knowing he has prepared as well as is humanly possible for the moment. He and the family he loves to death is ready to go,” the interpreter believes.
Canberra observers say they now understand why the PM has always felt there is no need to do anything about environmental degradation, given that it would be considered a monumental waste of trillions of dollars in public money to take action against the use of fossil fuels when this might, at best, improve the lives of billions for only a matter of weeks or months.
One extra snippet of information the interpreter was able to extract from what God has relayed using the PM’s tongue is that Australia would be the last continent destroyed in the maelstrom of the End Time, when the earth crumbles into dust, killing trillions of humans, animals, plants and insects.
When Judgment Day arrives, the PM expects there will be an opportunity for him to stand in front of the cameras one last time and announce with those facial expressions now much better understood by the few poor sinners left to see them before they fry: “How good was Australia! Love ya to death.”