Oldies punished over bawdy song


The owners of a prestigious inner-Melbourne old people’s home have apologised unconditionally after a group of senior male residents began singing Good Ship Venus in the common room just before lunch yesterday.

Dunrootin’ Retirement Village general manager Starv Emfast said the men involved had been punished and he promised there would be no repeat of the incident.

Duntootin’ is a Catholic-run home in Toorak and many of its residents went to local private Catholic schools in their childhoods – St Kevin’s College for boys is just around the corner and the Menstrata Divinity College for Chaste Young Ladies Who Always Cross Their Legs at The Ankles is opposite St Kevin’s.

The Bug understands a number of elderly women were reportedly left shaken as the bawdy sea-faring song was delivered with as much force and expression as any group of men in their 80s and 90s, some on oxygen, could muster.

An orderly told The Bug on the condition of anonymity: “One dear old resident Mavis Brumpton was found deceased in her wheelchair after the men were ordered to stop singing but she might have already been dead when she was first wheeled into the room in readiness for her lunch, the more we think about it.”

The men who sang the disgusting ditty have all been confined to their rooms for a week and must eat all meals there.

“Any punishment longer than that might have been a death sentence,” the orderly added.

The Bug‘s resident sexologist Doctor Dick said the vile and totally unacceptable behavior by the men was “sadly not a rare occurrence”.

“Herd mentality can bring out the worse in men of all ages,”  Doctor Dick said.

“These men at Dunrootin’ are probably the kindest, softest, most gentle of souls when you interact with them as individuals.

“Butter wouldn’t melt in their mouths.

“But put them in a group situation and the swearing starts, the bravado and showing off kick in, outbreaks of filthy songs like these are always likely, and before you know it their poor fellow female residents are having their handbags shat in and some blokes are making unwanted advances including brushing up against the old dears over by the coffee machine or toaster – or at least trying to brush up against them given they’ve all got walking frames.”