The Bug has been handed the transcript of the first British cabinet meeting chaired at Number 10 Downing Street by new Prime Minister Boris “Trump” Johnson and it reveals his plans for Brexit, a possible general election and how to bring down Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn if the country finds itself going down that path. New and re-minted ministers are named where identifiable.
Johnson: I say, chaps – and, sorry, chapettes…. steady on. Gosh, there’s no need for a standing ovation every time I say something, or we’ll never get finished with this boring little meeting and enjoy some drinkies, what?
Brown-nosing minister (unidentified but The Bug’s voice recognition people narrowed it down to 17 possibilities): Sorry sir but it’s just been absolutely spiffing to see you finally attaining the great and honoured position you’ve coveted for so long. And thoroughly deserved to. may I say?
Brown-nosing minister: I won’t say another thing.
Johnson: I said quite. Not quiet.
Brown-nosing minister: Sorry. Bravo, sir. Champion.
Several ministers: Huzzah!
Johnson: As you all know, I campaigned heavily against Cunt…
Divers voices: Hunt!
Johnson: … sorry, against Hunt over recent weeks for Brexit to come about on October 31, with or without any deal. I assume everyone around this table is tickety-boo with that stance?
Ministers’ fingers drum on the table amid shouts of “hear! hear!” to show their unanimous agreement.
Johnson: But I am fairly confident I’ll be able to persuade the European Union president to reopen negotiations and for us to get a very solid deal that provides Great Britain with all the advantages of Brexiting that I campaigned so brilliantly on three years ago.
Two unidentified junior ministers down one far end involuntarily guffaw and leave the Cabinet room immediately to sign their copies of their resignation letters.
Johnson: But on a more serious note, chaps … and chapettes. We’re going to have a spot or two of bother with the “remainers” in Parliament either way and not just the ministers I’ve sacked these last 24 hours.
So we must prepare for the possibility of a general election being foisted upon us. If that happens, we must be prepared to defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender!
I have nothing to offer but your blood, toil, tears and sweat. Never before will so much have been owned by so few … by the way, how’s everyone’s cigar going?
Priti, Andrea, Liz? How are you liking these top-shelf La Gloria Cubanas?
Several women’s voices (interspersed with coughing): Marvelous, just marvelous Prime Minister.
Johnson: Anyone in need a top-up of my favourite whisky…
First Secretary of State Dominic Raab: Johnny Walker blue label, sir?
Johnson: Any whisky that someone else has paid for, actually, Roderick!
Loud and sustained laughter and several “hear, hears!” from around the table.
Johnson: Let’s move on and talk about how we ensure that Communist Leninist Trotskyite Jeremy Corbyn never, ever, gets to be prime minister of this wonderful island nation, nay empire, of ours.
Chancellor of the Exchequer Sajid Javid: With your leadership Prime Minister, we cannot do anything other than succeed, and succeed brilliantly sir.
Johnson: True, David. But I have been studying other successful leaders around the world and, may I say, I have been mightily impressed as to how they’ve done it.
Several voices: Go on Prime Minister.
Johnson: They’ve divided and frightened the public and captured their votes by demonising immigrants and coming down harshly on those trying to get into their country seeking a better life for them and their children. They’ve also laid their opponents low with sustained and vitriolic personal smears that have effectively dehumanised those rivals and made them unelectable in the eyes of the people. They pay no heed to facts or the truth and constantly complain about left-wing bias in the media.
Divers voices: Hitler? Stalin? Mussolini?
Johnson: Close…. but no. I’m been looking at more recent success stories. Donald Trump and Scott Morrison in particular.
Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab: Who’s Scott Morrison?
Johnson: The Prime Minister of Australia, Saab.
Defence Secretary Ben Wallace: I didn’t know Austria had a prime minister?
Johnson: Australia, Bruce! The upcoming Ashes? Down Under? Primate people who drink and gamble a lot? Talk funny?
Wallace: Oh, yes. Those riff raff we got rid of so long ago by shipping them off to a hostile far away island from which there was no escape.
Johnson: Yes, by jove, now there’s the basis for a popular immigration policy.
All ministers: Huzzah!
Johnson: In Australia as all you chaps.. and chapettes know, Scott Morrison and his party just got re-elected despite two horrid terms in government and a campaign virtually devoid of any policies. I saw one early campaign media conference about utes that the whole nation was laughing at it was so patently stupid and absurd.
Home Secretary Priti Patel: Youths?
Johnson: Pretzel, it’s a type of car apparently. But let’s focus here. Morrison is the goods. He won the unwinnable election but when you study it closely it makes spiffing good sense.
For, you see, he and previous PMs had spent six years dehumanising the Opposition Leader – Shorten was the silly chap’s name – calling him a union puppet and a shifty, self-centred, slimy, slithering, sycophantic snake-in-the-grass. Snakes always lie in the grass and that’s all Shorten ever did, according to our Tory friends there. He lied and he lied and he lied.
Very Goebellian. Come poll time, the people hated the silly bugger. Having Bill as a Christian name didn’t help. Electricity Bill. The Bill you can’t afford and so forth.
Secretary of State for Health and Social Care Matt Hancock: It’s a pity Corbyn’s first name isn’t Bill then. Not much you can do with Jeremy. Although if we constantly call him Jerry that could turn him onto a mouse? Jerry the rodent!
Minister for Women and Equalities Amber Rudd: Oooh, I hate mice. Jerry also makes him sound like a Kraut. Jerry the Kraut. Rat-a-tat-tat! Take that, you Hun!
Johnson: Now look at the lead-up to the 2016 US presidential elections. Mr Trump – or as I call him, America’s Boris….
Wild laughter and applause around the table.
Johnson: OK, settle down chaps… and chapettes. Now back to Mr Trump… he banged on incessantly about “Crooked” Hillary and how she should be in jail. Still doing it … just for the fun of it now, I suppose, even though she’s long ceased to be a threat.
And that’s exactly what we need to do with Corbyn. We’ve made a good start but we need to go harder. Starting today, I need to be jabbing away at Jeremy’s jugular!
Secretary of State for Exiting the European Union Stephen Barclay: Wonderful alliteration, sir…
Johnson: Thank you, Scott. Any ideas, chaps … and, sorry, chapettes?
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport Nicky Morgan: Jew-hating Jeremy!
Johnson: I like it, Vicky, but let’s leave that one to the media who’ve been doing a fine job with that for years already.
Unidentified Minister: Kiddie-fiddling Corbyn?
Johnson: Sounds good and I’m sure The Sun and a few others would run with it but it’s not so good as a written slogan, is it? Anyway we’ve made a start here so well done. Fresh suggestions by our next meeting, okay. In the meantime, let’s consider this not so much the end of the beginning of this meeting, indeed not even the beginning of the end but the actual end of this meeting seeing it’s at its actual end so I declare it closed!
Various ministers: Very good, sir! You were on fire. Brilliantly chaired. May was fucking hopeless. The nation is in superb hands. So Churchillian!
Johnson: Oh, and could all female Cabinet ministers please stay behind. I want to give you all a special one-on-one debriefing session in my private suite upstairs about how I see you performing your ministerial duties directly under me. Each one shouldn’t take long. Amber, I’ll see to you first. And pretty Priti, you’re next.