Kyrgios, Tomic set to prove critics wrong

SPORT/MEDICAL RESEARCH:

It’s being hailed as one of the most effective and beneficial examples of genetic modification ever – and it involves some of Australia’s leading tennis players.

The Bug can reveal that in a world-first process, DNA from the spinal cord of much loved and admired player Ash Barty was recently injected into the spinal cords of Australian compatriots Bernard Tomic (main picture) and Nick Kyrgios (pictured below) at a GM-research clinic in Munich, Germany.

And the news comes as Ms Barty for the first time in her career has reached the final four of a grand slam and is now tipped to win the French Open as the only high-rank seed left in the draw.

barty kyrgiosIn the GM process undertaken by a surgical team of eight several weeks ago, Ms Barty’s mitochondrial material and that of the two male players were then fused together by the backs of both men being rubbed vigorously with Dencorub for some hours and under infra-red lamps.

Early results are reportedly very promising, with whispers that this might be the most successful application of GM since the brains of tropical beef breed Brahmans were injected with fish oil that has allowed the cattle since to swim through and survive major north Queensland flooding events while also grazing underwater.

There is also some buzz in medical research circles of a Nobel science prize for this latest GM breakthrough.

Institute for the Ethical and Practical Application of Genetic Modification Procedures director Professor Joe Mangler explained what the latest GM process sought to achieve.

“Our clear objective was to impart some of Ms Barty’s calmness, professional demeanour and all-round decency into both Mr Kryious and Mr Tomic whose careers were being threatened by ill-tempered tantrums, childish verbal outbursts and a general ‘I couldn’t give a fuck about this shitty little sport’ lack of commitment.

“If you’ll pardon the pun, we are trying to give these two young men some much-need Ash Barty backbone.

“To give them a chance to achieve the goals in tennis that their natural abilities would suggest was theirs for the taking.”

So how effective has the process been?

Professor Mangler said that while Tomic had copped plenty of criticism for a lack of intensity in his first-round straight sets loss to Taylor Fritz at Roland-Garros last week and his “couldn’t give a rat’s arse” post-match conference, the treatment’s benefits had really started to kick in since.

“I’m told his manager can’t keep him off the practice courts and his temperament has been admirable despite hours under a hot sun and with top-class practice opponents trying to rattle him mentally and physically.

“We’ve left chairs everywhere and we’ve had a pretend umpire giving him all sorts of bad decisions and he hasn’t kicked or hurled a single one, smashed a racket, shouted obscenities at the crowd or defecated on the practice court.

“And he has been measured, humble and self-mocking in pretend media conferences after those long sessions. He’s smiled and been really lovely no matter how many inane questions our fake worlds-best sports reporters have thrown at him.

“I understand his only disappointments have been that he’s no longer interested in driving flash and expensive sports cars and his mates have been giving him a bit of a ribbing because he now urinates sitting down.”

Professor Mangler said Kyrgios had also returned to the practice courts with “admirable determination and focus” and had come through the sames teases and torments with similar flying colours to Tomic.

“I’m told the only hiccup was several days ago when his bottom lip started to tremble half-way through a tough and extended practice session and some of my staff from the institute there to access his recovery thought: ‘Uh, oh … here we go’.

“But it turned out Nick was playing on quite a dark-coloured clay surface and he got in a bit of a tizz because he thought it was clashing too much with his favourite practice skirt.”