Safety to the max as plane flies high


Shares in aircraft manufacturing giant Boeing have soared with the news that its much-maligned 737-Max plane has been cleared to fly the world’s skies again.

And The Bug can reveal in a world first that the next 737 Max to take off will be the first completely computerised passenger aircraft in aviation history. That’s right – it’s completely pilot-less.

And for that reason, Boeing chiefs are confident that over time the model will become by far the safest aircraft ever built.

Jubilant engineers and executives at the world’s largest aircraft builder told a media scrum in Seattle overnight that the solution to all of the problems that beset the Max model – the latest in the 737 range, the best-selling model in history – fell neatly into place once the company “completely turned on its head” the way it was looking at those problems.

A Boeing spokesperson said: “We were absolutely diligent in making software changes to the plane to overcome the fact that it’s just a really shitty design with its engines being far too powerful for the plane’s weight, when we realised that pilot error is responsible for almost all cataclysmic aircraft events.

“It turns our our computer software updates were fine, kicking in perfectly to make this crap plane fly normally, even allowing its nose to tip downwards which, while I don’t want to get too technical, makes landings much, much easier.

“Analysis of those two non-scheduled, runway-free landings by those two 737 Max planes earlier this year and in October last year showed the computer software kicked in perfectly to overcome the aircraft’s natural desire to soar upwards and upwards, which makes landings, while I don’t want to get too technical, much much harder.

“It both cases, those pilots for inexplicable reasons panicked and tried to override the software’s efforts to make the plane flyable.

“And I’m sure those two cockpit crews would totally agree with that if they could be with us today. They stuffed up, basically.

“If they had kept up to date with their manual rewrites instead of daydreaming about which hosties they’d hump that night, they would have realised that their 737-Max would have eventually levelled out after a computer-controlled 90deg vertical descent period. They panicked, basically.

“It’s why the  solution came to us fairly quickly after that. No pilots – no human error.

“If we can have driverless trains and cars, why not pilotless planes?”

Airlines with the 737-Max model have reacted excitedly to the news, with several saying airfares are likely to come down with the big savings to be made in not having to train and then pay pilots.

An overpaid public relations spokeswoman who looked about 17 and who works for Death Star in Australia, which has a number of the planes on order, told The Bug: “Airfares are likely to plummet with this news. Maybe I shouldn’t use the word ‘plummet’?

“Can you just say they’re likely to plunge …. bugger, better not say that either.

“Say fares will crash. Oh shit! Drop like a st …

“Can I get back to you on that?”

Airlines say the most-sought after seats in the new 737 Max would be those in “supreme class” with forward viewing windows in the area where the cockpit used to be (pictured at top).

Several airlines contacted by The Bug also said they would be offering only one-way tickets for a while, as one spokesperson said: “To see how things flame – sorry – I mean play out.”