Meat me on the other side

CONSUMER AFFAIRS:

Scientists have come up with a range of vegetables, dairy products and seafoods that look and taste exactly like vegetables, dairy products and seafoods but are made entirely of meat.

And what makes this news even more exciting for the world’s meatarians and meatans – all meatlovers really – is that the foodstuffs are expected to be cheaper to buy than the originals that “meaties” have reluctantly put up with for ever and a day.

And the breakthrough is an entirely Australian invention! The process was developed in research laboratories at the Central Queensland University in Rockhampton – the beef capital of the world – with funds supplies by the Australian Livestock Corporation.

The Bug was invited exclusively into the labs and our reporter was astounded by tables groaning with an array of what appeared to be cabbages, beans, cauliflower and many other vegetables and fruits, nuts, butter, various cheeses including blue vein, prawns and salmon fillets.

“And it’s all good old-fashioned meat,” research leader and food nutritionist Professor Col Esterol (pictured above in his CQU research laboratory) said. “Even this banana skin here.

“And the good news is that most of these substitutes have been produced using the poorest quality cuts of meat from cattle, sheep and pigs and chooks.

“They’re all expected to retail at around half the price of the real things.

“Try one of those apples over there: it’s the stomach lining from old dairy cows and the world’s best gourmonds wouldn’t have a clue.

“See those brussel sprouts? All chicken gizzards, yet it looks and cooks like brussel sprouts. It even smells and tastes like brussel sprouts but we’re working on that.

“Have a taste of whatever you want – those chunky tuna pieces over there are made entirely from bulls’ testicles – and then we’ll wash it all down with a locally made chardonnay¬† – and by that I mean made locally from liquefied steer sphincters.”