Liberal Party strategists have scoffed at criticisms that having the government’s official election campaign launch next Sunday will come at the detriment of devout churchgoers and unfairly overshadow traditional Mother’s Day celebrations.
“We would never have selected the Sabbath for the launch if it detracted in any way from such religious and family devotions,” the party’s national campaign director’s work experience volunteer Tory Altright said.
“We’re confident that the program we’ve come up will satisfy the political minded, the pious and people who just want to say ‘thanks Mum, for everything!’.”
The launch is expected to be held in the marginal Victorian seat of Corangamite and the program sighted by The Bug is as follows:
10am: Welcome to my country by Sarah Henderson.
10.10am: Ode to mothers worldwide, recited by Mrs Jenny Morrison.
10:15am: Political warm-up speeches by Victorian Liberals most in danger of losing their seats and hand clapping exalts.
10:30am: Hymn time, including some old-time favourites, including The Lord is My Charity and Holy Holy Dollar, backed by an all-piano- accordian orchestra made up of local private-school students.
10.45am: Keynote address by Prime Minister Scott Morrison, to be delivered in a mixture of fractured English and tongues.
11:30am: Interlude of spiritual gospel songs interspersed with synchronised hand-clapping displays by the team that won gold at the recent International Pentecostal Games in Indianapolis, Indiana.
11.45am: On-stage baptisms in mobile immersion tank.
12noon: Hands-on-healing displays and faint dead aways.
12.30pm: Clearing away of now-redundant crutches, wheelchairs, white canes, and other assistance devices.
12.45pm: Mums’ fashion parade, best bonnet and tray bake judging.
1.00pm: During a final medley of gospel and Hollywood musical numbers, including Money Money from Cabaret and You’ve Got to Pick a Pocket or Two from Oliver, ushers in tuxedos to move around the audience/congregation with donations buckets as hand-clapping builds to a frenzied crescendo.
1.30pm: Pastor and Mrs Morrison farewell guests individually at the door and they depart in single file past two more ushers shaking gold-plated donation buckets and pleading for the congregation to give once more until it hurts to “bless our Lord Jesus Christ and save Australia from that CFMEU puppet Bill Shorten and communist Labor”.