Airians in a race with vegans

EXCLUSIVE:

As militant vegan protestors disrupt livestock industries across the nation, an even more hardline group has declared that the current protests and blockades do not go far enough.

The Bug can report that the little-known group Australian Airians have a reform agenda exceeding that of the vegans who this week invaded sheep and cattle properties and dairy farms in several states, as well as mounting a blockade of city streets in Melbourne.

Speaking exclusively to The Bug at his Brisbane home, President of Australian Airians, Bruce Eazley (pictured wearing one of the group’s t-shirts), said like vegans, his group opposed the use of animals for consumption or for sourcing products like leather.

“But we go even further,” Mr Eazley said. “We believe plants, including vegetables and fruits, also have feelings and,  like animals, should not be slaughtered or exploited.

“Humans should consume only air and water, which is what I have done since founding the Australian Airians a decade ago.”

When asked to explain the group’s relatively low profile since its founding, Mr Eazley said the answer was simple.

“We just don’t have the energy to undertake protests and the like.  You don’t, do you, if you’re consuming only air and water?” he explained.

“I know I get weak and tired very easily, so my daily routine is very limited really.

“I go to bed fairly early, around 7.00pm, after taking a few deep breaths for dinner with five or six litres of water.

“I sleep pretty well but because I drink so much water I generally have a long wee at around 6.00 am every morning. Unfortunately I generally don’t wake up until about three or four minutes into that.

“Then I lie awake and rest for an hour or two before getting out of bed, have a bit of a rest on a chair in my room, then walk to the kitchen where I have another rest.

“By then it’s about 9.00 am and time for  breakfast — I throw open the kitchen windows, take a dozen deep breaths of fresh air and drink a five-litre jug of water.

“That tires me out so I go back to bed and have a rest until lunchtime which usually consists of just some shallow breathing and a few cups of water.”

Mr Eazley said the airian lifestyle meant his group did not have a huge membership.

“I’m not sure how many members we have because we don’t keep membership books, after all paper is made from trees,” he said.

“And I really haven’t the energy to sit in front of a computer and do it all electronically.”

However, Mr Eazley said the group was now undertaking some promotional activities including the sale of Australian Airian t-shirts.

“We originally had t-shirts with our slogans printed on them in non-plant based inks,” he explained.

“But the weight of the ink on the fabric made me bend forward all the time which really hurt my back. So now we just have blank shirts.”

Asked whether the t-shirts were made from cotton, Mr Eazley looked surprised.

“Excuse me,” he said after a long silence, then left the room trying to conceal a huge wet patch in his groin.