737 Max8s cleared to fly again


Global shares in Boeing have soared after the American aircraft manufacturer announced overnight that it had solved design problems with its 737 Max 8 model.

And the solution – the brainwave of a humble cleaner as he toiled away in the hallways of the Seattle home of the world’s largest aircraft manufacturer – is as stunning as it is simple.

All 737 Max 8 aircraft (pictured above just before and after landing) will be back in the global skies by the weekend after cleaner Cyril Conway’s late-night epiphany – the planes should use watered-down Avgas!

Cyril, 62, said he had heard office talk that the problem with the planes was that their engines were too powerful.

“So I was mixing up a bucket to get the antiseptic and powerful ammonia-based cleanser mix just right to mop the hallways and I suddenly thought: surely the simplest thing is to make the engines not so powerful?

“So add the right amount of water to the Avgas – water it down just the right amount – and Bob’s your uncle.”

Boeing chief Dennis Muilenburg called Cyril’s idea “a brilliant innovation that will make an exceptionally safe Boeing model even safer”.

The breakthrough could not have come faster for Boeing, which has seen its shares plummet after the 737 Max8 was grounded worldwide following the Ethiopian Airlines’ recent crash that claimed 157 lives and the crash of a Lion Air jet in Indonesia last October, which killed all 189 people on board.

They dipped further, much like the model itself, when Mr Muilenburg several days ago said it would take “some weeks” for the company’s computer experts to come up with new software to fix “the manoeuvring characteristics augmentation system activation and angle of attack signal enhancements”.

“Until just recently I didn’t have a fucking clue what MCAS and AOASE were so what fucking chance did pilots have who are just daydreaming about which stewardesses or stewards they’ll be screwing that night?”

But Mr Muilenburg was critical of the company’s designers for forcing Cyril to come up with his solution.

“You’d think after more than 50 years of building these 737 fuckers we could get the design right,” Mr Muilenburg said.

“So who would have thought our designers would have come up with a fucking plane with engines too powerful for the aircraft’s weight so that it always wants to point upwards. Do you know how fucking hard it’s going to be to land a plane that wants to do that all the time.

“It seems pilots weren’t up to speed with the software we introduced to overcome that problem and point the aircraft down instead. Well down, as it turned out.

“Luckily this design fault got a bit of airtime a while ago but has since slipped off the radar, along with a few of our planes,” he joked.

“No, but seriously, Cyril’s solution is absolutely brilliant. Avgas is only fucking kerosene after all, and we’re working on the right amount of watering down that will still get the 737Max8 off the ground safely and away to its destination. It’s just going to take a bit longer to get there, that’s all, but airlines will definitely save on fuel costs.”

And in Paris, the world’s peak aviation safety authority has reacted to the overnight news and has cleared the Boeing 737 Max8 to take to the global skies again but airlines flying the model will only be allowed to sell one-way tickets while Cyril’s simple solution is monitored and assessed.