A Brexit solution, by George

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UK Prime Minister Theresa May is set to embark on a high-risk strategy to protect her government and her own job as the Brexit debate continues and the deadline for leaving the European Union looms.

A Downing Street source told The Bug the new plan of attack, known as the “George Costanza strategy”, would be revealed after the PM completed talks with all parties and independent MPs holding seats in the House of Commons.

“The fact is the Brexit debate has gone on now for more than two years, and nobody has been able to deliver a clear and workable plan to implement the decision to leave the EU expressed by voters at the June 2016 referendum,” the source said.

“Even the plan the PM presented to the House last month was attacked mercilessly by both ‘remainers’ and ‘leavers’ before being formally voted down, although none of its opponents had a clue about what should replace it.

“It seems everyone wants the House of Commons to support a Brexit motion but nobody knows what shape or form it should take.

“So Theresa May has quite brilliantly come up with an answer. The PM was actually watching Seinfeld re-runs late one night in her Downing Street flat, hoping to catch the episode where Elaine dances so she could brush up her own moves.

“Instead she saw the episode where George Costanza explains his ability to tell outright lies by saying: ‘It’s not a lie if you believe it.’ She said the idea for her Brexit plan struck her then and there like a lightning bolt.

“As she told us the next morning, after we told her to stop dancing, the PM knows that politics is rarely about reality and always about perceptions.

“She realises that what Britons really want is for their government to declare we have left the EU, and it doesn’t even matter if we haven’t formally done so.

“So she plans to have all sides of the House agree to support a motion that says the UK will leave the EU on the date specified, but if you read the fine print – which the average punter never will – we never actually leave.

“It’s a masterstroke. The Labour Party and all other parties in the Commons will back it because they haven’t got a clue how to solve the Brexit issue either and Jeremy Corbyn never wants to face the issue if, God help us, he ever becomes Prime Minister.

“So all MPs have a vested interest in remaining tight-lipped about the actual motion and not to give the game away by explaining that while we say we’ve left the EU, we’re still in it up to our necks.

“Of course there will need to be the appearance of some sacrifices being made if the plan is to work.

“For instance, the UK will have to appear to give up the right to elect MEPs (Members of the European Parliament) and we’ll have to get the PM to go through a formal and forlorn departure ceremony with the heads of the European Council, the European Commission, and the European Parliament.

“But they’ve all agreed to it and are willing to shed a fake tear or two at the event before lowering the Union Flag outside the EU’s Brussels HQ.

“But the moment that’s all done and dusted, it’s business as usual. Our MEPs heading off to Brussels will just have to dress casually and pretend they’re going on holidays.

“We’ll concoct some plausible reason for there being no hard Irish border with Brexit – who knows, we might even build impressive fake border crossings across Ireland with huge gantries housing fake cameras and just the shells of supposedly sophisticated monitoring equipment where lorries can be driven straight through and we’ll say their loads have been automatically X-rayed and taxed accordingly.

“The public will swallow some shite like that. The British aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed now, are they? They did vote for Brexit, after all.

“EU money that Britain so badly needs will continue to flow, as will young Polish workers so that pubs and clubs across the UK can stay open and profitable. And we’ll find some way to hide the money we’ll still be throwing at the EU.

“With all those things in place, Theresa May can look forward to a landslide win at the next election,” the source said.

“Sure, there’s a lot of smoke and mirrors about the strategy but isn’t that what politics is all about?”