Achievers vie for Australian of the Year Award

AUSTRALIA DAY:

The Bug is proud to release some of  the names on its shortlist  for its Australian of the Year Award for 2018.

The special judging panel established by The Bug has been busy sifting through the entry received via public nominations and drafting a shortlist, with the winner being announced here at http://www.thebugonline.com.au in time for Australia Day.

Below are just a handful of those in the running for the big award, reasons for their nomination, together with comments by the judging panel.

mal t top hatMALCOLM TURNBULL:

Citation: For exploring novel ways of delivering key and supposedly essential policies such as a national energy guarantee and business taxation changes by jettisoning them altogether.

Judges’ comments: Showed a unique talent for leading the allegedly moderate majority of his party by following the dictates of a small unrepresentative right-wing rump.

KARL STEFANOVIC:

Citation: Delivered a valuable service to the public by proving that the adage of “any publicity is good publicity” doesn’t necessarily apply to insufferable, self-obsessed, overpaid, and overhyped entertainers whose sole task is to try to grab a bigger share of a rapidly diminishing audience that is literally dying out.

Judges’ comment: In the rapidly shrinking world of network television, Karl gave us even more reason not to give a fuck about so-called “stars” whose talents are invariably in inverse proportion to their salaries.

lord downer1LORD DOWNER OF MAYO:

Citation: For reminding Australians that his family created the nation we know and love and that we would all be better off if those in our national parliament were chosen by hereditary rights and not the shallow and untrustworthy system known as representative democracy.

Judges’ comment: Lord Downer is entitled to nomination as he has shown no slackening in his efforts to prove that an aristocracy is far preferable to a meritocracy and delivers a higher standard of fashion too.

countess lady downerTHE COUNTESS LADY GEORGINA DOWNER OF MAYO:

Citation: For reminding Australians that her family created the nation we know and love and that we would all be better off if those in our national parliament were chosen by hereditary rights and not the shallow and untrustworthy system known as representative democracy.

Judges’ comment: Lady Downer is entitled to nomination as she has shown no slackening in her efforts to prove that an aristocracy is far preferable to a meritocracy and delivers a higher standard of fashion too.

bolts dinkusTHE BRISBANE BOLTS:

Citation: Acknowledged for a remarkable 2018 season that saw the club once again take home the JDG’s Bunney Brooke Shield  while recording only seven fatalities among its player roster over the full season with the majority expiring through off-field activities, notably a sexual asphyxiation threesome and a self-immolation at the club’s annual start-of-season curry night sponsored by Zippo lighters.

Judges’ comments: Editor’s note: The judging panel’s comments have been withheld on legal advice.

PETER DUTTON:

Citation: For showing that karma really does exist.

Judges’ comments: The Queensland ex-copper and his supporters provided a valuable lesson in politics in 2018 – that it’s much more difficult to threaten, stand over, and verbal fellow MPs compared with petty crims.

cormann numbersMATHIAS CORMANN:

Citation: For services as Finance Minister in particular for showing that a person who has managed to grasp English as their second language may one day also grasp the arithmetical concept of a simple majority.

Judges’ comment: As Peter Dutton discovered, you can count on the WA Liberal Senator but just don’t rely on him to count.

scomobeerSCOTT MORRISON:

Citation: For projecting an image as Prime Minister as a fair dinkum, knockabout, guy-next-door when in reality he’s a right-wing happy clapper, who cut funding for essential services as Treasurer, and who has fuck-all policy ideas and little skill in selling the few he has even though he claims to be a marketing expert.

Judges’ comments: While progressives will criticise him for unfairly driving down wages and conditions for already low-paid workers, he has displayed a balanced approach by also trying to drive down taxes for big business.

BILL SHORTEN:

Citation: For dogged perseverance in trying to achieve his life’s ambitions even when saddled with exceptionally mediocre qualities based around a so-so personality and even more so-so oratory skills.

Judges’ comment: It’s said that sincerity is everything in politics and once you can fake that, you’ve got it made. So keep an eye on this one. In the right place at the right time, he could be the Steven Bradbury of this year’s field.

412qarandom-orbit-sandingTHE AUSTRALIAN CRICKET TEAM:

Citation: A sandpaper-thin respect for the game’s noble laws and the ability to sledge mercilessly while never, ever, being able to cop the same in return have once again put our premier sports side in the frame for national honours.

Judges’ comments: It takes a certain dedication by senior players to create a situation where Australian sports lovers have turned to televised women’s netball for their jollies. For that reason alone, online bookies have the Australian Test team at good odds to be the first “group” Australian of the Year.

abishopmodelJULIE BISHOP:

Citation: For her role as a long-serving female deputy leader of the Liberal Party which eventually earned her the recognition and reward her male colleagues thought she deserved, and by which she has undoubtedly increased the number of young women seeking a political career – in the Labor Party.

Judges’ comment: Ms Bishop set the bar high as our nation’s Foreign Minister and deserves recognition even though she fell just short of Lord Downer in the footwear stakes.

barnaby and kidBARNABY JOYCE:

Citation: For upholding the traditional family values constantly promoted by the National Party and its MPs.

Judges’ comment: Our nation is lucky to have a politician of his calibre so dedicated to family values that he has moved on to his second one and is willing to share them with the nation, for a fee. Furthermore, with all these extra mouths to feed, we truly hope his new novel, The Corridors of Lust, sells as well for him as did his excellent memoir, Weatherboard and Iron: Politics, The Bush and Me.