Newsagent seeks job as Higgins MP

FEDERAL POLITICS:

A Prahran newsagent says he will seek to become the member for the Melbourne-based seat of Higgins in the next Federal Parliament because he wants to spend less time with his family.

Alf Snerl, 54, said he would throw his hat into the ring for Liberal Party preselection for the seat being vacated by federal minister Kelly O’Dwyer.

“I look forward to a vigorous pre-selection process in which I can badmouth all other candidates and cast doubt on their mental and or physical abilities, once all nominations are known,” Mr Snerl said.

“I have been a paid-up branch member of the Liberal Party for almost a couple of days now and I hope that’s long enough to qualify me to compete for the nomination as the party’s candidate at the coming federal election.

” I also hope it’s long enough for the few dozen friends I also signed up to the local branch to qualify to vote for me, once I let them know they are members.

“I really want to be the Member for Higgins for several reasons.

“The Liberal Party always made sure the newsagency business was heavily regulated and protected, which is why I have always been a Liberal voter and supporter.

“But nowadays newsagencies everywhere have been going nowhere ever since the internet arrived on the scene and people basically stopped reading.

“My shop at Prahran is doing half the trade it did when I bought it 15 years ago, so the idea of a lucrative and regular taxpayer-funded pay cheque is very, very attractive.

“Besides, at my age, where else could I get a job that pays so well?

“I also really like the idea of working in Canberra and spending lots of time there and less time with my wife and kids.

“They’re all OK, but jeez they get on my nerves with all their demands all day long. They all want something and really I can’t be bothered  with them any more.

“Plus I like the idea of getting on a parliamentary committee and being paid by taxpayers to travel to all sorts of attractive destinations and live it up at their expense.

“The antics of that National Party bloke, James Broad, in Hong Kong – getting to wine and dine and do who knows what else with some foreign sheila – strengthened my conviction to run.

“But while you can look for nookie when overseas as an MP, the real attraction is the apparent rampant bed-hopping and pants-dropping that goes on in our national capital.

“From all the commentary I read at the time of the Barnaby Joyce scandal, it seems that as an MP you just about trip over members of the opposite sex wanting to have a quick, one-off, meaningless shag, or better still, a few quick and regular meaningless shags.

“And the beauty is everyone knows about it, including the media, but don’t say anything because of respect for your ‘privacy’.

“It’s the perfect set up, isn’t it? You’re basically paid by taxpayers to root yourself stupid. Who wouldn’t want a piece of that action?

“I just hope the women in Canberra see me as being as handsome and physically desirable as Barnaby and that Broad fella,” Mr Snerl said.

Asked if he felt the odds were against him for Liberal pre-selection given the expressed desire of party leaders to replace Ms O’Dwyer with another woman, Mr Snerl was optimistic.

“I think I can convince preselectors of my credentials and motives regardless of being male or female,” he said.

“Besides, I reckon I’ve got enough dirt on the girls who’ve so far expressed interest in pre-selection, so that shouldn’t be a problem I don’t think.”