JDG expansion plans in limbo

SPORT/INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS:

bolts dinkusThe inaugural season of the JDG’s international competition is in chaos after the Brisbane Bolts were refused landing rights in Tokyo for their much-publicised opening match against the Nagasaki Nukes.

The trouble had begun hours earlier with some ugly scenes in the Qantas Club business lounge at Brisbane International Airport as Bolts players and managers prepared themselves for the long flight north.

“We should have guessed there’d be more trouble than normal in the Want-this (sic) Club lounge because we were also celebrating our youngest player’s twenty-first,” Bolts coach Jack Saunders told The Bug.

“Max ‘The Sponge’ Stanaway is only 19 so to get to 21 drink-drive convictions is an absolute credit to him at that age – and they were all high-range so it’s a club record too.

“So, yeah, things did get a bit boisterous. And then it had to happen, didn’t it? Some jock who fancies himself with his fists always wants to big-note himself by taking on a sporting legend, especially if he has a woman beside him he wants to impress.

“This would-be-stud took on Eddie ‘Crumpet King’ Solomon just because Eddie had touched up his wife and vomited on her.

“The ensuing fight soon spread throughout the entire club and into the airport’s main concourse and we were all asked to leave.

“Eddie was escorted from the lounge (main picture) and we all had to wait in the long-term car park until our flight was called. No-wonder we have a saying in our club that ‘nothing good every happens by being in licensed premises before 3am’.”

Saunders said the flight north had been fairly uneventful until Rowdy “The Schlongster” Yates decided he’d like to fly the plane for a while, seeing he had owned several powered model aircraft as a child.

“He’d had quite a few by then,” Saunders admitted. “He had earlier won our usual Want-this (sic) Club competition as to who could drink the most number of triple Baileys on ice in two hours – he downed 241 – so he barged into the cockpit when one of the trolley-dollies went to talk to the flight crew, knocked them all out and took over the controls.

“These modern planes basically fly themselves and Rowdy safely got the plane into Tokyo airspace but then the notorious Japanese red tape kicked in and air traffic control refused him permission to land, and they blocked all runways with fire and emergency trucks and other heavy equipment.

“To be fair to them, I suppose, Rowdy  wasn’t making much sense. It sounded to me like he was speaking their language on the two-way, but apparently he wasn’t. Those Baileys can really creep up on you.

“Rowdy reckoned he could weave the plane around the trucks on the runway but decided against it once he realised the plane had enough juice to get us back to Brisbane.

“On the flight back south, nervous passengers appointed a little committee who went forward to demand Rowdy show them his qualifications for flying a Boeing Dreamliner.

“He dropped his daks, did a bit of helicoptering, and said: ‘How’s that for qualifications!’

“One elderly Japanese woman passenger was really giving it to him in her native tongue because apparently she was due in her home town for a funeral, maybe her own by the look of her.

“Rowdy defused the situation when he pointed at her and said: ‘Get this nag a sake!’

“Jeez, we all pissed ourselves. And I mean that literally.

“As the little delegation of passengers shuffled back to their seats, Rowdy gave them another helicopter and yelled after them: ‘It’s not called the cockpit for nothing, arseholes!’

“Rowdy was arrested on landing back in Brisbane (pictured) but seeing it’s his first plane-hijacking charge and no-one was really badly hurt, our club lawyer Dicky Shearman QC* is fairly confident authorities in both countries will see it all as just a bit of hijinks – just some good-natured horseplay.

bolts weclome“A warning or even a small fine would allow him to play in the second-round away fixture next week against the Manchester Maggots,” Saunders said. “And we’d handcuff Rowdy to his seat just to be safe.”

The club’s performance coach Dicky Scotson said he was disappointed the match against Nagasaki had been cancelled through Japanese overreaction.

“It would have been the ideal opportunity to see how the side is shaping up competitively for the new season, especially seeing we are still missing our best offensive player, Mark ‘Maximum Mayhem’ Murray,” Scotson said.

“Mark is currently suspended and he is not due to be cut down until just before the fourth round.”

The Bug is an official sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.

*Queensland citizen