Our financial and investment guru Morrie Bezzle always stands ready to offer advice and solutions to those others can’t or won’t help.
This is a bit outside the realm of financial advice, but I don’t know anyone else to ask. You see I was shopping in my local supermarket this week and among the items I needed to buy was some toilet paper.
I ran my eye along the line of brands on the shelf and stopped dead when I saw a pack of Kleenex toilet tissue rolls. I have enclosed a picture to illustrate my concerns.
You will see that it clearly promises “complete clean”, a commitment that I noticed was conspicuously missing from all the other brands on offer.
I know that big companies like Kleenex would not dare risk rapid and severe action from Australia’s corporate regulators for making false or misleading claims to consumers just to sell more of their product.
So now I am worried that if I buy any other brand my backside will not be completely clean.
I am also worried that, having used other brands in the past, that I may have put myself or others and certainly my undergarments at risk.
Please let me know what I should do.
Dear Worried Wiper
Strewth. I for one could do with a few rolls of that Kleenex dunny paper because your letter scared the shit out of me.
Just what sort of a ticking time bomb are we all, literally, sitting on?
How long have governments at all levels allowed such a blatant public health risk to threaten the wellbeing of individuals and communities right across our wide brown land?
Our highly paid politicians and shiny-arsed bureaucrats need to get off their wide brown arseholes and sort this mess out.
Like you, I am astounded that for years we have all been allowed to buy toilet paper that doesn’t completely clean our back doors after we’ve taken the bins out.
What’s worse is the fact that toilet paper makers have been allowed free rein to put inferior products into the market that clearly don’t do the job.
What sort of sweetheart deals have been done to allow toilet paper products that fail to clean completely to be placed on retail shelves?
Nobody wants toilet paper that does anything less than clean up 100% of your big or small jobs. Obviously the Kleenex people appreciate that.
But in reality, how far do the other brands fall short? Does it mean that after a sortie your bomb bay doors are 90% clean, or 75%, or god help us, 50% or less?
Who would have thought that in the 21st century we would all be walking around innocently going about our day-to-day activities while festering fragments of faeces are left behind in our behinds when we all thought we’d done the right thing and wiped them away?
Something needs to be done about this threat to our health immediately.
We need to lick this problem right now.
Worried Wiper, I am so glad you have brought this matter to my attention. We must act immediately, and the good news is that you can help.
I’ll be setting up a special fund to mount a campaign against toilet paper manufacturers not meeting the Kleenex standard.
It’s completely clean coits or nothing as far as I’m concerned.
Of course everyone knows that taking such action can mean intensive, lengthy, and expensive efforts. In other words, it costs a motza.
So if you want to help, just send a donation — one or two Ks at the bare minimum — to my new fund and the ball can well and truly start rolling.
Send a cheque made out to Clean Arses Safeguard Hygiene and I’ll get things moving at my end.
Bugger it, to save your time and mine, just make it out to CASH.
I’ll be in touch.
Morrie Bezzle is general manager of R. Swipe and Sons Pty Ltd, principal of Clean Ex Divorce Lawyers, and honorary ambassador for National Bee Day.