Conjoined twins to remain complete arseholes


SYDNEY: A team of the world’s leading surgeons in their field have at the last moment called off a planned 10-hour operation to separate Siamese twins Scott Morrison and Bill Shorten (pictured) who are conjoined at both the national security and the border protection.

“It was just too risky,” team leader Professor Hans Groover said this morning. “They only have one national security and border protection between them and have shared both for a very long time now. We really thought the survival prospects for both men were high if we split those right down the middle but it wasn’t to be.”

The two men reportedly also share towback, pushback, indefinite offshore detention and inhumane treatment sections and the risk level of separating those as well had been regarded as ‘low’ until major tissue issues became evident during prep overnight.

Only hours earlier, the two political leaders had looked relaxed and comfortable and waved to supporters and tried their best to ignore an angry group of refugee advocates carrying “kids off Manus Island now!” placards as they left a mini van and walked in lock step towards the doors of the Royal Alfred Hospital in the inner-city.

After a brief scuffle over who should open the hospital front doors, the pollies gave one final wave to their supporter before disappearing for what was expected to be a four-hour preparation just to get them ready for the main separation attempts.

It is understood that with an election looming, both men were desperate to have their own border protection and national security to present to the Australian electorate.

“But the surgical team knew they were in trouble when Mr Morrison demanded to wake up from the surgery ‘a much bigger arsehole than this other arsehole’ on the areas they had conjointly shared for so long,” one source said.

“Shorten then declared: ‘There’s no way I’m going to be any less an arsehole than Morrison. My survival depends on it. And neither of us can be any less an arsehole than Kevin Rudd, and he was the biggest arsehole of them all…’.

The source said: “Morrison then replied: “And he had his own national security and border protection’.

“We tried to explain to them both that even if they shared an arsehole – which they didn’t –  their arseholes were much bigger than most people’s anyway and besides, their arseholes had nothing at all to do with today’s planned procedures.

“They still refused to believe there was no way they could both come out of this being even bigger arseholes on border protection and national security  than they already are, so the operation was unfortunately cancelled.”