Dreaming of a White House Christmas

  • xmas gift dinkus2In the first of an exclusive series The Bug asks prominent people around the world what they would like to find under their Christmas tree this year. This issue: the Washington wish-list.

Donald Trump, US President: “Christmas is gonna be yuge. I’m a lucky guy. I already got Christmas gifts up to my kazoo: an electorate of both Republicans and Democrats that still thinks the USA rules the world; a human caravan moving north to the US border at a time people are shit-scared of immigrants taking their jobs that no longer exist;  global allies too scared to call me out when I go crazy on foreign policy; a Republican Party leadership too scared to call me out when I go crazy on domestic policy; Democrats who are vacating the centre ground to move rapidly leftwards when the country’s turned right; a media that publishes every word I say even if I say it only to divert attention from real problems; and a base of voters who don’t believe any of the negative things the media or others say about me anyway. If Santa came down the White House chimney I’d kiss him. Or shoot him; I would get away with that. Then I’d grab one of his prettier elves by the pussy. I’m a stable, pussy-grabbing genius.”

Melania Trump, US First Lady: “All I’d really like is to find my husband under the Christmas tree all wrapped up – in a body bag. Help me. I need to get away from him. I know he’ll cut me off financially if I do but I could survive. I can easily go back to getting my tits out for GQ or do another lezzo photo shoot for Max magazine, if it’s still publishing.”

atrump barronBarron Trump (pictured), son of the US President and First Lady: “I don’t want anything for Christmas except to get outta here. Would Santa know someone at UNICEF who could arrange an adoption? Or maybe he could swing by the South Lawn in his sleigh and pick me up?”

White House Press Corp: “We were all having a drink at a Washington bar just off Pennsylvania Avenue and someone lamented how long it’s been since the United States has had a presidential assassination. Just saying, Santa.”