Your stars for December

The Bug‘s in-house astrologer outlines what’s in store for you for the last month of the year.

Nov 22 – Dec 21

As a woman you feel slighted when the passenger sitting next to you on the bus expresses admiration for your community spirit but then asks if you realise Movember is over.

Dec 22 – Jan 19

You congratulate yourself on becoming far more tech savvy when it takes only four attempts for you to correctly insert a USB stick in your laptop.

Jan 20 – Feb 18

While reading this horoscope you wonder if astrologers allow for daylight saving.

Feb 19 – Mar 20

No, why the hell would we?

Mar 21 – Apr 19

Your elation on hearing the news of the death of President George Bush is shattered when it finally dawns on you that they’re talking about the wrong President George Bush.

Apr 20 – May 20

Your efforts to turn your workplace’s “casual Friday” into “naked Friday” win little support from co-workers, except that strange guy in accounts who always looks at you just a little too long when you walk past.

May 21 – Jun 20

Your fascination with anagrams is getting beyond a joke.

Jun 21 – Jul 22

You are rushed to hospital suffering from shock after finding something in the bargains bin at Aldi that might have actually been made in Australia – well, at least assembled here. Oh, who are we trying to kid? Had a safety sticker put on here.

Jul 23 – Aug 22

You receive a polite reply to all your letters to the manufacturers of disposable baby nappies, but none of them explains the use of the word “disposable” when their products cannot be flushed, are not supposed to be burned, and are banned from domestic rubbish bins.

Aug 23 – Sep 22

Your fortune is assured after you invent a TV remote control app that changes channels the very moment Peter Overton says: “And now it’s over to Tracy and A Current Affair“.

Sep 23 – Oct 22

You shake your head in disgust when you realise that the Christmas decorations in some of the major department stores are actually promoting the 2019-20 festive season.

Oct 23 – Nov 21

Vowing to stay relatively sober and behave perfectly at this year’s work Christmas party, you still shake your head, wishing to hell that sucking up to the boss was the only thing you did to him at last year’s event.