‘Intimate’ battle plan leaked

AUSTRALIAN POLITICS: WORLD EXCLUSIVE

The Bug has been given a copy of Prime Minister Scott Morrison’s secret strategy document outlining the ways he intends to use his immense popularity with the Australian public to humiliate and destroy reviled opponent Bill Shorten during the April-May 2019 federal election campaign.

The 36 page document, headed #KILL BILL in deep Liberal blue on what looks like a 50% cyan screen bled to the edges and subtitled “Battle plan for an “intimate” war we must win for a nation’s sake” italicised in an equally pleasing 70% black screen, includes 33 pages, each one devoted to a daily strategy for the expected 33 days of the campaign.

The secret document, left under a brick on the stoop of the paper’s editorial suite, and one that had clearly been urinated on, explains that the PM will eschew traditional campaign issues and repeatedly use the slogan “This is an intimate war between just the two of us” as the battle plan unfolds on the hustings. It clearly aims to exploit the huge margin the PM has enjoyed over Opposition Leader Shorten as “preferred prime minister” in successive Newspolls.

One LNP insider familiar with the document said simply: “This is going to get very, very personal. If you thought Andrew Peacock’s ‘as sure as night follows day’ or Julia Gillard’s ‘What you’ll see from now on is the real me’ resonated with the Australian people, ‘This is an intimate war between just the two of us’ is going to conjure up visions that many Australians might find a little bit discomforting but will certainly cut through with them.

“They’ll definitely have images in their minds that sum up the state of Australian politics at the moment and it won’t be pretty.”

News of the strategy is a fillip for government backbenchers who have been despairing over government infighting and division over the course of the week and were rocked further by the news that Julia Banks has resigned from the Liberal Party but Craig Kelly hasn’t.

One senior minister told The Bug on condition of anonymity that the battle plan had restored a degree of confidence among both ministers and the back-bench that next year’s poll was no laid-down misere.

“And by that we mean, in 500 parlance, in a game between the two main parties, the Liberals will win the call with “open misere” and lose every hand, therefore coming out winners,” Attorney-General Christian Porter said.

“Or does it mean Labor wins the call, loses every …. gee, this is more complicated than I thought. Maybe I should have said ‘grand slam no-ies’?

“Anyway, as a battle strategy, I think it’s brilliant.

“It’s based on a series of personal ‘intimate’ challenges Morrison will issue to Shorten during the campaign, all designed to highlight the basic decency, a life of community-focused service, the God-fearing beliefs of a happily married, doting husband and loving father and all-round, fair-dinkum good guy that our PM so clearly represents, against the selfish, self-centred, worker exploiting, brown-nosing, social-climbing sycophant, pretend-Catholic, eye-wandering, stands-for-nothing leech that we all know Shorten was and always will be.”

The document details some of the challenges that Morrison intends to make in his “intimate war” with Shorten. They include:

Day 4: A challenge to a happy-clapping marathon and sing-song-off in a Hillside Pentecostal church of Shorten’s choosing.

Day 12: A test of personal character, integrity and sincerity whereby each Prime Ministerial contender will go down on a bended knee and sob uncontrollably about an issue they really care about even if they can’t do anything about it, the winner to be the one who can last the longest doing that, in a Hillside Pentecostal church of Shorten’s choosing.

Day 21: A one-on-one debate on all relevant issues dominating the campaign up to that point, in a Hillside Pentecostal church of Shorten’s choosing, the debate to be conducted in tongues and the winner to be determined by an audience show of hands.

Day 24: A race between Morrison and Shorten, each driving their parties’ respective campaign buses and filled with political journalists from all around Australia, over 30 laps of the roads bordering any Hillside Pentecostal church of Shorten’s choosing; and

Day 28: In probably the most intimate challenge of them all, a no-holes barred, caged and naked Greco-Roman wrestling match, the winner to be determined by a three-second shoulder mat pin, or by penetration, in any Catholic school hall of Shorten’s choosing, to let local parishioners realise – indeed the whole Catholic community across the nation – just the depths of depravity Shorten will plunge to put his criminal union puppeteer masters in charge of the Australian nation.