Too soon, maybe?

“I can’t restart my column for you pricks until next month,” Kisma said after he sprained an ankle in an unforseen fall. “I’m just not up to it.” But The Bug’s publishers insisted and so this is what he sent in. They apologise in advance. 

Scorpio
Oct 23 – Nov 21
Nothing much happens in your dreary, repetitive life, but at least you’ve got a star sign with a sting in it.

Sagittarius
Nov 22 – Dec 21
Those born under sign of The Archer are generally full of enterprise, energy, versatility, adventurousness, and eager to extend their experiences beyond the physically familiar, but we all know you’re just a lazy turd.

Malcolm Turnbull
Your star shone brightly for just a brief while but then FIZZLED!

Capricorn
Dec 22 – Jan 19

Your star sign name is the tropic of much discussion.

Aquarius
Jan 20 – Feb 18
Yours is just weak as water.

Pisces
Feb 19 – Mar 20
And yours is just pisces weak.

Scott Morrison
Now there’s a star in a black hole death spiral if I ever saw one.

Aries
Mar 21 – Apr 19

You spend all day regretting that your star sign doesn’t have a name with more presence and pizzazz. Aries? What a wimp.

Taurus
Apr 20 – May 20

Now that’s a name for a star sign. You listening to this Aries?

Gemini
May 21 – Jun 20

Talk about woeful names for star signs. Who wants to share one with a crappy small rustbucket Holden car from the 70s?

Cancer
Jun 21 – Jul 22

WTF? Who’d want that for their star sign? Why not swap it for something less confronting like Plague, Stroke, or Coronary?

Leo
Jul 23 – Aug 22
If you’re going to have a male name ending in “o” why not something a bit more blokey, like Stevo?

Virgo
Aug 23 – Sep 22

Yeah … sort of like that, but not that.

Libra
Sep 23 – Oct 22

How can anyone take a star sign seriously when its name is shared with a feminine hygiene product?

Bill Shorten
Your star has never shone all that brightly but it’s zinging along okay right now.