US President Donald Trump has used a mid-term elections rally in a small Ohio hamlet to tell the Jews who failed to confront the madman who shot up their Pittsburgh synagogue that they “had nothing to be ashamed of”.
“Folks, you can only imagine how noisy all that gunfire in a confined space would have been. It would have been terrifying, right?
“Any religious gathering of any faith would have felt helpless under those horrific circumstances, even if it’s true that Jews don’t have much of a record through history of standing up to people wishing to do them harm.
“But don’t get me wrong here. I love Jewish people. Some of my family are Jewish.
“Only a stable genius hero could have rushed that crazed gunman using only his bare hands to bring him down and prevent further bloodshed,” Mr Trump said to a cheering crowd who had packed a basketball stadium in rural Moronsberg for his address.
“And as you well know folks,” Trump continued as he folded his arms, nodded his head slowly and pursed his lips, “there ain’t that many of them around, right?”
Wearing “Make America Great Again” caps and waving “Women for Trump” placards, the local Moronians cheered as Mr Trump continued: “You know it’s true. I know it’s true. I wouldn’t have hesitated if I had been there. Just rushed the guy with my bare hands. I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. Whack! Smash! Down on the floor and out cold before he knew what had hit him.”
Mr Trump pleaded for silence before turning away from his autocue, going completely offscript and shouting “Who’s your daddy! Who’s your daddy?” over and over again.
He again called for calm before continuing solemnly: “My good friends at the National Rifle Association have had a go at me over my call for armed guards at all places of worship across our wonderful country. Hard to believe but it’s true. True news. Not fake news. The NRA, folks. Can you believe that? After everything I’ve done for them. Wonderful people though. Jews can be members, you know. But I’m here to tell you that the NRA thought I was saying that only the guards would be armed. Well, that’s ridiculous. We all want our places of worship to be as safe as possible, so naturally worshippers, parishioners, synagogians – churchgoers everywhere – would all be armed. It’s the 10th commandment, right? If I were a Jew praying on my Sabbath, what better comfort could I get than having the good book in one hand and a Saturday night special in the other, locked and loaded and ready for action.
“But let’s not forget our rabbis, right? And our pastors, our priests, whatever various church leaders are called. Those of you who haven’t had military training wouldn’t know how strategic the high ground is, right? But guess where these church leaders are? They’re on the high ground and can see their entire congregations, the front doors, everything. No-one’s in a better position to engage with a crazed gunman hellbent on slaughtering decent God-fearing folk. So on the way here, I showed my secret service detail a leaflet explaining my idea for “the pulpit punisher” as I call it and they all agreed I was a stable genius inventor. True facts, people.”
Holding the image high and evoking rapturous applause from his devoted fanbase, Mr Trump continued: “Not bad, eh? That’s all US-designed and manufactured lethal firepower there, folks. Nothing from Jinah or Russia. Not on my watch. All attached to the pulpit with quick-release straps so that your Rabbi or other church leader with the bare minimum of training can in a matter of seconds switch from a sermon laying them in the aisles to a semi-automatic slaying them in the aisles,” he quipped.
“Thank you. Thank you. I love Ohio. My favourite state in the Union. Who’s your daddy, eh? Who’s your daddy!
“But don’t get too excited if you’re into making a quick buck, folks and aren’t we all? I’ve already trademarked this sucker and Trump Industries will have it on the market soon. We’ll have models with ornate, traditional, even medieval, pulpits inlaid with fake gold and silver but this will be our basic pulpit for religious groups just starting out on making a buck. It will be available in veneers of oak, cedar, pine and bloodsmear.
“But seriously, guys. I wish it didn’t have to come to this. But I’m the only stable genius hero I know and, sure, I wish I could be everywhere but sadly we all know that’s not the case.
“A congregation packing heat, armed guards at the ready and a church leader with a high-powered weapon in each hand is the next best thing for keeping our places of worship safe.
“You know it and I know it, right. Good night and God bless you all. God bless America.’
“You’re our daddy! “You’re our daddy!” the crowd chanted as America’s 45th but by far the best president was escorted from the venue to be spirited away in The Beast.